Given the society we live in, getting to know somebody before marriage can be very tricky because of the limited access that we've to the opposite gender (excluding if they are your colleagues, relatives or classmates). I mean, if the communication we are talking about are phones, chats and outings every once in a while, how do we know what we are being told or shown is the real deal? My point is, it extremely easy for a person to pretend to be somebody else just to get you to marry them and then once they've got you in the cage, their true colors appear and you realize you detest them :bored:

So my question to my fellow sablians, taking into account the environment we live in, how can we minimize the chances of something like that happening to us? Share your tips!

By trying to be be honest?
Really. I know what you mean because I see how people change even the people I know just to be with THAT someone.
If you can say things and do things that are "unusual" or "not you" with the other gender and see how he/she takes it maybe one day you will see their true colour come out?

To me all I did was say: "I love the truth no matter how hurtful it is so if you tell me the truth about something I will accept it but if I found something was a lie.... I may not be forgiving.."

I just take my sweet time with things.. and when I say time, I mean time!

I would never be satisfied unless I made sure I saw the persons true colors and what i'm falling for is the REAL DEAL. And I say time because a person can only act so much, once they feel comfortable around you, Their true side will start to show.. And that won't usually happen until later on when they feel like they've gotten to know you well enough, for you to accept them and take them for who they are.. *Atleast that better be the case* Lol


Oh and if something feels like it's too good to be true, than u might wanna slow down a bit and make sure it's NOT. Cuz it might actually turn out to be just that ;p

There are basic attributes that a girl can find out easily when meeting someone. eg. religious values, educational values, family values etc.

As for the actually personality and forming a permanent bond, that is a shot in the dark. As J'adore pointed out, if its too good to be true, u wanna slow down and pay more attention.

For example, in the west, ppl actually live together for a couple of years before getting married, and still the divorce rate is very high.

So, I think having take care of the obvious attributes, it boils down to personalities. The main reason for marriage breakups is couples failing to see the other's point of view.

Its all about understanding and respecting each other

You can never really know the person until after marriage. I've read stories of people who were in a relationship before marriage, and each believed they knew the other. After marriage, their true colours appear, and each one goes: How could this be the person I fell in love with!

If a person proposed to you, you could get an idea about the person through:

1- His family: Knowing the family, you will get an idea on how the person is. The apple doesn't fall far from its tree.

2- His neighbours: You could ask the neighbours about the person's behaviour. Neighbours could give you a lot of information about the guy.

3- His friends: Let you brothers find out who his friends are, and even ask them about him.

4- His teachers: Might sound weird, but asking a teacher is the best way to know about a person. If he is respectful, the teachers would tell you he is. If he isn't, then you get an idea on how the person treats his teachers and people who are elder than him.

5- People who have travelled with him: As they say, the word 'Safar' in Arabic which means Travelling actually comes from the word 'Safara, Yasfur' which means, 'To Uncover'. Because when person goes outsite and travels without family, his true personality appears.

6- The person himself: Of course, you will have to talk to him. This needs to be in your house, he has to ask your parents officially and then come to your house so you could talk and get to know him. If it was outside, the person could easily 'change his mind'. But if it was official and your family and HIS family knew about it, he would be more responisble.

thats y in our soundings a love match n having a relationship b4 can be very risky, i prefer the proposal n in the ketba phase where they can sit together n talk n go out.. then they can know the opposites true colors..
n still its not easy.. as umK mentioned.. we have to ask about him everywhere possible.. n engaging the whole family.. welli mean father n brothers. coz they r men know best about othe men.. maybe they see something you dont coz u like this guy!

You judge a person from the way you know them, thier actions, what people say about them, the decisions that they make, such things are the closest you can get to really knowing someone before you get married.
and yet its always going to be different, just like having a friend become your roomate, theres a good and bad side to everyone that we just cannot fully avoid.
that being said, i think time even without marriage shows u a whole deal of stuff, i personally cannot pretend for long so im sure the ''pretend level'' gradually decreases as you go along ;p :)

It is VERY difficult I admit. Makes it very hard for both.
I usually ask too many questions, to know the reaction, then conclude the personality type. I'd ask people who know her as well, or know through them indirectly.
Plus that, I wouldn't be interested in her in the first place if I didn't know her well enough to get interested! And with me it takes a long time!
Then in meetings if there were I'd be able to determine the type of personality,
Having a different personality on the phone/internet than that of real life can mess things up!

I don't think most people are different. It's just that when you communicate with them through the phone or online, you're not getting the whole picture. You only see a part of them. You get to see everything once you start living with them.

I think to play it safe, you should take a good look at the person's family so you know what kind of background, values, etc they have.

Try to be honest and have faith whats meant to be is meant to be.

My point is, it extremely easy for a person to pretend to be somebody else just to get you to marry them and then once they've got you in the cage, their true colors appear and you realize you detest them :bored:


not everyone is different, but people do change a little after marriage, or maybe after living with them, you'd get to observe them better, so they might seem a little different.
true though, some people pretend to be someone else they think you'll like, just to impress you. I know many people who've been lied to when they're engaged, some of them were major lies, others were just silly. :p
it's not really that bad, unless they'd turn to be the opposite of what you once thought they were, man..thinking about it, that's gonna be awful! xD

I can't give any tips, simply because I don't agree with that way of getting to know someone whom you want to marry, I cannot risk being fooled or tricked because this is a matter of the rest of my life so I'd really like to get to know the girl (within respectable limits of course) before I make an official move.

there are basic, very important values and beliefs that u will know about the person before accepting him/her, usually from the family and during the engagement period...

i think the other stuff that u cant figure out during this period are stuff that both of you can overcome if you truely love each other...

Lym,

Be yourself, that's the first thing...BE YOURSELF..
It is hard to know someone just by chatting and phone calls and once in a blue moon meet ups..
Try to show some of your cards.. if they still do accept you, then you can take it to the next level..

I seriously do NOT get how this scope of operations work here!
I take it more like a ride in a roller coaster.. you don't know what will happen next whether its a 180 degree curve or a straight path..

Just live life and move on... there are people who deserve you better! Who appreciate you more, and who love you even if you made mistakes that can be resolved... those are the ones that I will definitely care and respect and AVOID making any mistakes again..because I truly care for them and love them..

Or maybe you can go to a bar/nightclub/pick up joints and see the real deal! There you'll bounce into people with the same thinking or the same objective!!!

I can't give any tips, simply because I don't agree with that way of getting to know someone whom you want to marry, I cannot risk being fooled or tricked because this is a matter of the rest of my life so I'd really like to get to know the girl (within respectable limits of course) before I make an official move.

come on now NaBhan what is ur way ??

Bu7sain, thanks, but this is not about me :)

trying to be honest and people should always take their time before making any decision... asking lots of questions in different areas is also good... cuz he/she might get wrong in some of the question and you know that he/she is pretending.

No matter what, it's better to be honest (in this case). Don't hide or pretend anything. This is a big step in one's life. If they both realize that, they should be who they are from the beginning so that they both can see whether or not they are right for each other. Lying will only make things bigger.

I think to play it safe, you should take a good look at the person's family so you know what kind of background, values, etc they have.

Agreed and to add on that, try to be honest, as much as possible because it won't get you anywhere if you lie to them... (it might get you to marriage, but then then if you're totally different, it will take you back to where you were; divorced and then single).

Also, you never know the person, no matter how long you've known them for, until you've lived with them. It is not necessarily a big or serious change but there are things you are still going to learn about them as you go on..

Agreed and to add on that, try to be honest, as much as possible because it won't get you anywhere if you lie to them... (it might get you to marriage, but then then if you're totally different, it will take you back to where you were; divorced and then single).

Also, you never know the person, no matter how long you've known them for, until you've lived with them. It is not necessarily a big or serious change but there are things you are still going to learn about them as you go on..
Yup.

When I look back, I think "how the hell did I agree to marry him when I knew so little about him?" (I don't mean that in a negative way, just trying to prove a point). It's like what I knew before living together and what was communicated by way of emails, texts, speaking to each other and seeing one another briefly was nothing compared to what I know of him now simply by observing what he's like day in, day out.

If living together before marriage wasn't a sin, I'd so do it and recommend it to everyone. Just live with them for a while and you'll discover so many things you never knew about them. All their little habits really make a difference.

what is your view, lym

what is your view, lym

I think this method is so risky. It is so easy to be tricked or cheated to think that they are something that they are not, only to find out after marriage. I wish everyone was just honest and straightforward about themselves, to lessen the risks of getting to know somebody via phone/chat/through word of mouth.

Sometimes I just think it is about luck. Since you can't know them until you live with them, then it is luck if you actually like who you end up living with :inno:

^twakali 3ala Allah (depend on God):D