For some of us, it's very hard to approach our parents to talk to them about people we might like or want as our future spouses (especially for girls). Some daughters can't even imagine conversing with their dads about their future in that regard! However, men are expected to disclose to their parents who they want because ultimately they're the ones who're doing the proposing.

So taking our community into considerations:

How do you go about finding out if the person you want to spend the rest of your life with will gain your parent's approval? How can you find out whether they think he is good enough without disclosing anything to your parents about your relationship with that person?

For those who are married, how did you introduce the person you wanted to marry to your parents? Did he propose, then you brought it to their attention that he is the one you really want? Or did you speak to your parents before he approached officially?

You know who your parents approve of as you grow up. Whenever there's a marriage topic going on, you get to know who they think is right person and who's not. Also, you can just ask them what kind of people you can marry and which ones you can't..

With me I didn't have to tell them anything lol! I received a proposal from someone.. the whole family insisted I should marry him, I said no because I had someone else.. and it all began from there.. that's when they asked who the guy is?! Luckily I didn't have much explanation because they knew the guy :p

Interesting topic. I'm looking forward to more replies from the ladies of the ES. :)

I think I already know what kind of guy my parents would approve of. Like Endure said as you grow up you learn about the qualities your parents expect from your future husband. For example with me, I know that my parents would never allow me to marry someone who's not educated, having at the least a BA.

As for how to tell them that you have someone who wants to propose, I don't think I can directly face my parents would the matter, but I can tell my brother about it and he'll pass along the message. Obviously, this way my brother's approval would have to be considered as well.

regarding this topic..i was thinking....

i think that it's really ridiculous for some fathers (or families) to stereotype/look down on people and disapprove of the guy JUST BEACAUSE of the family name or tribe background. Though you may know who or which kind of person they'd want you to marry as you listen to their comments here and there when you're growing up, tradition sometimes it screwy. lol

true , having an education is important. Having a job is even more important. And knowing whether he is responsible , etc...it's all important..however, some things are unnecessary to hold accountable.

If the girl has someone in mind and everything is a check on the criteria list, then she has every right to marry thim...EVEN if they guy was from a family they think is'nt good enough. How does one deal with such an issue?

As i was saying to someone..it's unfair and stupid how sometimes people wont let go of tradition. tradition for the sake of tradition! Like for example, a father would only let his daughter marry the guy if he was from the same region or status.

Some fathers, FOR EXAMPLE, who happen to be a minister (or high class or whatever you want to call it) would only let their daughter marry another minister's son. Some families are too proud honestly. They may say that they dont want their daughter marrying into such a "low" family......even if everything else was good.

interesting topic lym. :p

When I was 17 I fell in love and he was 19. We were in the army and he was my 1st love. When my parents found out they drove down from Indiana to Georgia the next day, gave my 1st sergeant a royal *** chewing and my beloved was severely punished...he also lost rank due to his feelings for me. He still wanted to marry but dad said no. He did not marry until he was in his 30's. Anyway, sometimes parents mean well and sometimes they do not. We stayed in the relationship for 5 years. I can still remember everything. He asked me to marry him the same day we met. It was love at first sight. Anyway, that love lasted many years and we eventually ended up as friends because well....what could one do? Life goes on.

i had a couple of bf's before i got married. and i always took them home. always wanted my parents to see who i was going out with. anyway, even if a guy was top of his class, well mannered, with a good family, they were never good for my dad. he always found faults and tried to put them down. which made me really sad. when i met my husband, i told them 'i love him, he loves me, he's a good man, and to my dad -there' snothing you can say about it'.
my dad found faults, little things which he made them look big, like stupid things 'he's foreign, he lives in england, have you read about the murders in england' (i was like...erm dad?)
my dad was dead jealous lol. he never supported me when we were doing up our first house, not even coming along to hang a picture, or to paint a wall. when we got married, my dad said in his speech 'i am mighty proud to have not lost a daughter, but gained a mighty fine son'. i whispered to him 'oh why the fcuk didn't you say that months ago, you so and so'.
i didn't rely much on my dad for judgement, i know it was driven by jealousy. but i did rely on my mother a lot. she has excellent people skills. if she approves of a person from the first meeting, usually that person is 'okay'.

My parents were always clear about what kind of guy would be acceptable (or not). It's not like I had to go digging for information. This always influenced the kind of guys I was interested in. I'd never fall for someone who they thought was unacceptable.

I have a pretty open relationship with my parents, they know of every guy I've been interested in. I somehow end up telling them what's going on in my life, so they know if I'm getting to know someone or not. Anyway, they knew I was talking to my (now) husband even before he proposed. I never felt like I had anything to hide, especially since I wasn't doing anything wrong - just talking. I think it came up when they were teasing me about an old romantic interest, and I got really annoyed and said something like, "I'm so over him. I've moved on" and they figured there was someone new and then I somehow ended up telling them who it was :p I knew they approved of him based on what they knew of his family and the kind of reputation he had, but my dad was really worried since he didn't know him personally. Anyway, he called him for an "interview/interrogation" before he accepted the proposal officially. After that, he arrived at the conclusion that he was "a nice young man".

I know my parents really like my husband now, after they've spent time with him and gotten to know him more. My dad actually said we make a cute couple lol :p I know he very much approves of my choice.

I still remmber the day I told my mom .. someone else proposed and I kept on refusing and my mom did not understand why .. so she was trying to convince me .. and then suddnly asked: or there is someone else? I dont know what came into me and I said Yes ..there is .. I guess I was tired of poeple trying to convince me. My husband was planning to tell his dad to propose so it was a good timing. Stright away mom started asking about details and from which family and so on ..
ofcourse I wouldnt have accepted my husband's proposal if I wasnt sure they would accept. In addition, I made my bro meet him to make sure he approves of him.

lovely love stories...


lol

You know who your parents approve of as you grow up. Whenever there's a marriage topic going on, you get to know who they think is right person and who's not. Also, you can just ask them what kind of people you can marry and which ones you can't..



says it all

i had a couple of bf's before i got married. and i always took them home. always wanted my parents to see who i was going out with. anyway, even if a guy was top of his class, well mannered, with a good family, they were never good for my dad. he always found faults and tried to put them down. which made me really sad. when i met my husband, i told them 'i love him, he loves me, he's a good man, and to my dad -there' snothing you can say about it'.
my dad found faults, little things which he made them look big, like stupid things 'he's foreign, he lives in england, have you read about the murders in england' (i was like...erm dad?)
my dad was dead jealous lol. he never supported me when we were doing up our first house, not even coming along to hang a picture, or to paint a wall. when we got married, my dad said in his speech 'i am mighty proud to have not lost a daughter, but gained a mighty fine son'. i whispered to him 'oh why the fcuk didn't you say that months ago, you so and so'.
i didn't rely much on my dad for judgement, i know it was driven by jealousy. but i did rely on my mother a lot. she has excellent people skills. if she approves of a person from the first meeting, usually that person is 'okay'.
I can understand how some fathers get jealous. They're like the most important man in your life, until you get married, then someone else takes their place and they're no longer responsible for you. I'm sure that upsets them.

A few days before my wedding, I asked my dad if he liked my fiance and he said, "I hate him!!" I was so shocked and when I asked him to elaborate, he said "I hate him because he is taking you away from me".

Took him a while to accept that I was getting married. Actually, I still don't think he's accepted it since he insists on looking after me financially so I'm still attached to him. He thinks that not giving me my allowance and paying for my stuff is equivalent to "abandoning" me (his words, not mine) lol.

^awwww..that's so sweet. :love:

I can understand how some fathers get jealous. They're like the most important man in your life, until you get married, then someone else takes their place and they're no longer responsible for you. I'm sure that upsets them.

A few days before my wedding, I asked my dad if he liked my fiance and he said, "I hate him!!" I was so shocked and when I asked him to elaborate, he said "I hate him because he is taking you away from me".

Took him a while to accept that I was getting married. Actually, I still don't think he's accepted it since he insists on looking after me financially so I'm still attached to him. He thinks that not giving me my allowance and paying for my stuff is equivalent to "abandoning" me (his words, not mine) lol.
what a sweet dad. he'll soon 'abandon' you when you have your first baby....all his attention will turn to your child lol. that will be his pride and joy, and you won't begrudge it. your dad is an amazing dad, but he'll be an even more amazing grandfather..just you wait.

some questions to Arabian princess,

based on your post...do you think it's better for the woman to decide for herself whether he is good or not? Is it all up to the parents approval? does the father HAVE TO approve FIRST so you can say yes if you want? just because you think your parents would disapprove, does that mean you should to? what would be some of their reasons of disapproval?

for me..it's the daughter who has to live with him, not the parents. of course they should be allowed their say, but their say should be only for the good of their daughter, not because of any bias they might have.

How do you go about finding out if the person you want to spend the rest of your life with will gain your parent's approval? How can you find out whether they think he is good enough without disclosing anything to your parents about your relationship with that person?

well i have a close relationships with my parents so i guess when i like some I'll just tell them about him,but i can never like a guy knowing that my parents will never agree to him because i know what my parents like and don't basically.

i think i would never get attached to some1 i fear my parents would not aprove of, their support is the most important thing..

As mentioned above, you can get a fairly good picture of whom your parents are going to approve of as you grow up.

My mum once told me ages ago that my dad and her have been discussing about how they'd approach me if I came to them one day and told them that I am interested in someone. She said that they ended up agreeing that I should tell them about him so that they'd know more about this person and for us all to have outings with him and his family just to get to know each other more.

She mentioned that my dad said I should be able to choose whoever I wanted, it's me that's going to be spending the rest of her life with this guy after all. But ofcourse, he has to be approved by them.
When she told me this I was so young I just laughed it off :p

I very much appreciate it of them being this understanding and not being one of those families who are very uptight and end up choosing their own daughter's spouses.. that's sad.

A few days before my wedding, I asked my dad if he liked my fiance and he said, "I hate him!!" I was so shocked and when I asked him to elaborate, he said "I hate him because he is taking you away from me".


That's the same thing happened to me! Just after the proposal, when my dad sat with my husband, I asked him what he thought of him and he said: "wajid mu7taram mashalla (very respectful)".. I fel soooo happy (especially with the long bad history that went on)... and then, on my wedding day, in the morning when I was having breakfast with my dad, I told him: "So what are you going to say to my husband in the malka (wedding ceremony)?" He was like: "I won't even talk to him. I won't be able to look at his face".. And ana miskeena (poor me), believing everything that day (including your brother's joke), I thought that's what he was going to do.. coming to look at the pictures and video, my dad gave my husband a big hug and said Mabrook and alll ...

It's sooo weird how father change completely.. but your dad explained it to me this way: "when a father sees his daughter's smile, he loves his son in law more and more".. and me and you are known of sharing smiles like anything and our husbands get the love anyway :p

You guys misunderstood.

Yes, as we were growing up, our parents did implement in our heads the general criteria of what makes a suitor suitable; as in he should be educated, from certain tribes, financially stable, God fearing etc. However what if the guy you want has all that but you are still worried your parents will refuse simply because they might be other reasons that would not make them happily accept him, reasons we might not be aware from. Perhaps there is "tension" between the two families that happened a long time ago, or because his mother is too controlling and over powering, or because they did something your parents disapproved of etc.

These are reasons we might not be aware of especially if we like the guy and all the things we hear are essentially "biased", since it comes from his mouth or people who know nothing about his family. You all know how a lot of parents hide the shortcomings of other parents from us..but once someone from their family proposes to you, they spill everything "bad" about the family so you no longer consider them. Yeah, that is what I am talking about. So I am asking, how can such a situation be avoided?

^ Maybe ask someone older in the family about this guy's family. An aunt or uncle that is close to you, just to make sure that there aren't any old confilcts between the two families.

Other than that, the best way is to go directly to the parents and talk openly to them if you have a good relationship with them :)

You guys misunderstood.

Yes, as we were growing up, our parents did implement in our heads the general criteria of what makes a suitor suitable; as in he should be educated, from certain tribes, financially stable, God fearing etc. However what if the guy you want has all that but you are still worried your parents will refuse simply because they might be other reasons that would not make them happily accept him, reasons we might not be aware from. Perhaps there is "tension" between the two families that happened a long time ago, or because his mother is too controlling and over powering, or because they did something your parents disapproved of etc.


I did have those fears .. but I let my parents deal with them when time comes .. I married someone from a very different family .. they didnt know each other so it was impossible for me to judge if they would accept him or not. I did get some hesitation from my dad and from my uncle .. they had the "are you sure of your decision?" talk .. I left it up to them but they didnt have a reason to refuse so they told me I am responsible of my decision. Last year, my uncle was telling me that I made the right decision since he is a very good man and his family too.

based on your post...do you think it's better for the woman to decide for herself whether he is good or not? Is it all up to the parents approval? does the father HAVE TO approve FIRST so you can say yes if you want? just because you think your parents would disapprove, does that mean you should to? what would be some of their reasons of disapproval?

I can never go against my family .. I dont think its fair .. they raised me to who I am and I dont think any man who just proposed is worth making your family mad at you.
Thier Approval was very important .. and I think the girl can choose but she has to know that the final say is for the parents.
If my parents didnt approve, I would have told my husband sorry but it seems we never meant to be .. it would hurt, but I guess both of us had that in mind since we both value our family.

As mentioned above, you can get a fairly good picture of whom your parents are going to approve of as you grow up.

My mum once told me ages ago that my dad and her have been discussing about how they'd approach me if I came to them one day and told them that I am interested in someone. She said that they ended up agreeing that I should tell them about him so that they'd know more about this person and for us all to have outings with him and his family just to get to know each other more.

She mentioned that my dad said I should be able to choose whoever I wanted, it's me that's going to be spending the rest of her life with this guy after all. But ofcourse, he has to be approved by them.
When she told me this I was so young I just laughed it off :p

I very much appreciate it of them being this understanding and not being one of those families who are very uptight and end up choosing their own daughter's spouses.. that's sad.

oooh that's nice :love:

You guys misunderstood.

Yes, as we were growing up, our parents did implement in our heads the general criteria of what makes a suitor suitable; as in he should be educated, from certain tribes, financially stable, God fearing etc. However what if the guy you want has all that but you are still worried your parents will refuse simply because they might be other reasons that would not make them happily accept him, reasons we might not be aware from. Perhaps there is "tension" between the two families that happened a long time ago, or because his mother is too controlling and over powering, or because they did something your parents disapproved of etc.

These are reasons we might not be aware of especially if we like the guy and all the things we hear are essentially "biased", since it comes from his mouth or people who know nothing about his family. You all know how a lot of parents hide the shortcomings of other parents from us..but once someone from their family proposes to you, they spill everything "bad" about the family so you no longer consider them. Yeah, that is what I am talking about. So I am asking, how can such a situation be avoided?

interesting answer. makes sense...
yeah ...good question.

I did have those fears .. but I let my parents deal with them when time comes .. I married someone from a very different family .. they didnt know each other so it was impossible for me to judge if they would accept him or not. I did get some hesitation from my dad and from my uncle .. they had the "are you sure of your decision?" talk .. I left it up to them but they didnt have a reason to refuse so they told me I am responsible of my decision. Last year, my uncle was telling me that I made the right decision since he is a very good man and his family too.



I can never go against my family .. I dont think its fair .. they raised me to who I am and I dont think any man who just proposed is worth making your family mad at you.
Thier Approval was very important .. and I think the girl can choose but she has to know that the final say is for the parents.
If my parents didnt approve, I would have told my husband sorry but it seems we never meant to be .. it would hurt, but I guess both of us had that in mind since we both value our family.


that's great:D Sounds like a romantic movie:p

on the second part....i don't agree about the "we're not meant to be" part just because the parents were against it. I think that even with the parents disapproving and it being written that they get married, then it doesnt matter that they disapprove in the first place coz they will get married regardless. A father may not like them..at first...but if she insisted and ended up marrying him, he will grow to like him in time.

I think that day is a father's nightmare:XD: he doesnt want to let his daugheter go. He's putting his daughter's whole life in another man's hands and family. He may say no out of fear of letting go. He may find excuses why she shouldn't marry him.

And yes, the parents have a say. Of course they do:pThey can say their opinions and views...but in the end, she is the one who is the going to live with him.

off topic:

would it be haram on the father if he said no for his own personal reasons (example: something like.."he's not that good looking...he's too overweight...his family isn't good enough to me"...etc..) and the girl really insisted on him? i thought that in islam the woman had her right to choose her husband.

He shouldn't force her or insist that she marry someone she doesn't want and he shouln't stop her from marrying someone she really wants and knows is good for her.

lol am i making any sense?..i am thinking of all possible scenerios.

yeah i can be negative sometimes:6: but it's just a question. this is what big thinkers do!:p

^^^hahahahaha

my parents had a huge debate about if i was intrested in some1, dad didnt accpt it at all, he wont accpt me talking to some1 behind their back, but then mom told him that its her life n since we were a love match she dosnt see anything wrong with it, plus the man was man enough to come n propose n get married, they werent playing, so he kinda agreed n said i'll have to ask about him everywhere n make sure he's good.. mom said: i never asked 4 anything more!

hehe that was a good result!

Arby's replies make a lot of sense :star:

I want my family's 100% agreement and blessing, so I want what my family wants for me.

ugh, we hear the qualities of the acceptable husband on an almost weekly basis! xD
so i guess i can tell if he's likely to get their approval or not.

I will make it simple and let them pick Mr. Right.

^let them pick? So you've no role in this?

For some of us, it's very hard to approach our parents to talk to them about people we might like or want as our future spouses (especially for girls).

How do you go about finding out if the person you want to spend the rest of your life with will gain your parent's approval?

None of you have addressed Lym's concern, instead you been giving us accounts of your own love stories...

You have no way of knowing unless you ask them directly?
If you can't do such thing than figure out other ways like. Aunt/Uncle or older siblings..

Otherwise theres no other way to kno if theres tension between the two families UNLESS u ask! thats it, especially if their own son or daughter had no prior knowledge about it to begin with ;p

But I don't see why it should be such a hard thing to bring up. If you're being respectful and discussing the topic in an appropriate manner than they should hear you out and explain their point of you on the matter.. Afterall That's life for you ;)

I don't have this problem, I have an open relationship with my parents and once I am ready to tell them about a guy that I want for marital purposes, I would be able to do so. It is just I know many who can't do that :shy:

None of you have addressed Lym's concern, instead you been giving us accounts of your own love stories...
what's wrong with relating experiences?