So many times, the husband or wife gets jealous when their spouse is hanging out with someone from the opposite sex and when they have an arguement about it, the husband/wife says: "I trust you but I don't trust your surroundings".

Now, my question is, if you really trust your spouse, why do you care about trusting his/her friends?

A similar incident happened with me and my husband but it was slightly different. There are a bunch of girls that my husband doesn't like me hanging out with and everytime I mention going out with them, his attitude changes. So I talked to him about it once and he said: "I trust you but I don't trust them. Their reputation smoke will freeze on you".

He had a valid reason; he cares about my reputation and all which is very caring but he trusts me and he believes that I won't go out doing what they do (from smoking to clubbing to fooling around with men randomly), but he still feels uncomfortable when I hang out with them.

So to you all who say that you trust your spouse, why isn't trusting your spouse enough? Why do you also need to trust their friends?

I think after "I trust you" there shouldn't be any "but"s...
Discuss :)

I agree with you EW.

I had a similar problem a few years ago. But in the end, your friends were there first and the husband or wife has to understand that.

Now.. if I disapproved of his friends, which I do.. do I have a right to tell him to stop meeting them? No. I don't see that I do.
And also, if I trust him, TRULY trust him and knew he was decent enough to not join in the friend's worse qualities and habits... then why argue about it? Why worry?

I don't believe in the whole "It's not you I don't trust"... that's just an excuse to cover up the jealousy and and insecurity.

Of course it's you he don't trust! He doesn't trust you to stick to your values in the face and company of people who have different ones..

That's how I see it. And like I said, I went through it. When he realises that you're sticking to your friends anyway, he'll probably stop. Other wise just sit him down and explain why they are your friends and why you need them.

if he trusts you... then why is he worried about you hanging with them?... afraid you'll be like them? afraid they'll influence you?... then to me that means he doesn't trust his wife. and vise versa is true.

now about anything else regarding friends. i basically agree with both of you.
none of us would have the right to tell the other which people to go out with and which not. you're both grown up... that's one thing. and you both should know each other well enough not to worry.

should that is. lol

to me it simply means... he doesnt want your reputation to be ruined, spoiled or even scratched!

he knows you but people dont! you hanging with drunk people every night! makes people wonder if you ever drank?

In our culture, what others say is importante cause you live among them!

I dont think this has anything with him trusting you!... one gets worried what others would do to you

my sister hangs with crazy drivers.. she drives well! but it is the other drivers i don't trust her ridding along with ... does that mean i don't trust her?

im sure this is not ur husband reason for not tursting them but might be the same reason why he fears you hanging with them.. you wont hurt ur self but they might....

sweety, the driving example is like .. "never accept a ride from someone who had been drinking". It's common sense and not what I believe the topic is really about.

I mean all you do is not accept the ride. You don't stop being their friend.. or hanging out with them.. know what I mean?

It does come down actually to "Does he trust you to say no?" ..

This is kinda like the husband/unfaithful thing.. "It's not you I don't trust.. it's the women who hit on you."

Yeah. Right.

Like she might hold him at gun point.. :rolleyes:

It really depends on the kind of things the friends are doing, i mean if they drink or sleep around then he has the right to voice his disapproval and same goes to u if he does the same. It has nothing to do with trust really, he's just not comfortable about them.

It really depends on the kind of things the friends are doing, i mean if they drink or sleep around then he has the right to voice his disapproval and same goes to u if he does the same. It has nothing to do with trust really, he's just not comfortable about them.
But does he have a right to make you stop being their friend?

;)

Thalia you got a point! I think the driving example wasnt the one but my point is I don't think it has anything with trusting her.... it's just worrying about her reputation and what others would say and what might these girls do behind her back to her that may harm her

Thalia you got a point! I think the driving example wasnt the one but my point is I don't think it has anything with trusting her.... it's just worrying about her reputation and what others would say and what might these girls do behind her back to her that may harm her
This would be a little "foreign" to me as who your friends are would play little on anyone's reputation here. "reputation" here rests solely on what YOU do. For example .. my father could be a murderer, my mother a prositute.. it won't matter. Because I am a complete different human being.

I guess it's just the way things work.
Infact, I had a friend who was rather.. 'loose'.. and my husband was concerned with what MY reputation would be among other ARABS who live here. :) .. Imagine that!

Of course, I understand his concern, but then.. what these arabs think of me is their problem, not mine.

But does he have a right to make you stop being their friend?

;)

nopes, he can advise but if he does witness a change in her attitude and suspects its cause of the friends then he should have the right to ask her to stop hanging with them on a regular basis.

nopes, he can advise but if he does witness a change in her attitude and suspects its cause of the friends then he should have the right to ask her to stop hanging with them on a regular basis.
Ok. I can see the sense in that.

to me it simply means... he doesnt want your reputation to be ruined, spoiled or even scratched!

he knows you but people dont! you hanging with drunk people every night! makes people wonder if you ever drank?

In our culture, what others say is importante cause you live among them!

I dont think this has anything with him trusting you!... one gets worried what others would do to you

my sister hangs with crazy drivers.. she drives well! but it is the other drivers i don't trust her ridding along with ... does that mean i don't trust her?

im sure this is not ur husband reason for not tursting them but might be the same reason why he fears you hanging with them.. you wont hurt ur self but they might....

I get the reputation part. But I don't think he should ask me to stop seeing them or hanging out with them. I should make that decision myself. I am grown up and mature enough to look after myself. His care and concerns are appreciated.

It really depends on the kind of things the friends are doing, i mean if they drink or sleep around then he has the right to voice his disapproval and same goes to u if he does the same. It has nothing to do with trust really, he's just not comfortable about them.

Well, it's very common for the men here in Oman, and in the Arab world that men can hang out with their friends who drink and smoke; that will cause no harm to them. But women who hang out with smokers; my god, WORLD WAR 3 :rolleyes: so I can't do the same for him :mmhmm:

nopes, he can advise but if he does witness a change in her attitude and suspects its cause of the friends then he should have the right to ask her to stop hanging with them on a regular basis.

Of course, I am with you on that. If there are changes to the worse, in anyway, that should be it.


Anyway, I posted my example just for the sake of understanding. But mainly here, I am focusing on:

So many times, the husband or wife gets jealous when their spouse is hanging out with someone from the opposite sex and when they have an arguement about it, the husband/wife says: "I trust you but I don't trust your surroundings".


... where I need to discuss why men have issues when their wives hang out with male friends if they really trust them, and vice versa?

i think men r some who kind of possessive.. i mean they like having n controlling what they have.. n wifes r part of it.. it think..

yah, reputition is important here, and hanging out with this group, will affect you, even if ur not doing what they do...

and i wouldnt mind, if i have a bad group, like drinkers, and my wife asking me not to hang with them...

I trust you. But, I don't trust the devil inside you, & there must be a devil waiting for the chance.

I think women should stop comparing themselves to men cause they are simply Women...

Well, it's very common for the men here in Oman, and in the Arab world that men can hang out with their friends who drink and smoke; that will cause no harm to them. But women who hang out with smokers; my god, WORLD WAR 3 so I can't do the same for him it is not the Arab men, it is the Arab Culture.. I know men who don't mind their woves smoke or drink or hang with who smoke or drink but not in public and everywhere....This is our culture and you cannot refuse it unless you live abroad or simply live alone.

For me if i see bunch of girls smoke shisha I just say let them have fun..but other people thinks is a big deal they even curse the girls... I think u r husband has rights to feel uncomfortable.

Even me I will defenetly feel uncomfortable if I see my husband is hanging with wrong people, people who drink, fool around with girls...I dont think i can stand that

he definitely shouldn't have a but to finish off that sentence.

i trust that i'm not gonna be doing what they're doing. but i don't trust people with my reputation. when you're hanging out with people whom you disapprove of their actions, you can't blame people if they spread rumors that you're doing the same. i'm a girl in a merciless society, i'm supposed to be careful with the people i hang out with. and besides, i don't see why would i be hanging out with people who have very different values from mine in the first place!

anyhow, i don't see myself hanging out with people with a bad reputation. and i expect my husband not to as well, i'm not gonna stop him from doing so, but he should know better.

he definitely shouldn't have a but to finish off that sentence.

i trust that i'm not gonna be doing what they're doing. but i don't trust people with my reputation. when you're hanging out with people whom you disapprove of their actions, you can't blame people if they spread rumors that you're doing the same. i'm a girl in a merciless society, i'm supposed to be careful with the people i hang out with. and besides, i don't see why would i be hanging out with people who have very different values from mine in the first place!

anyhow, i don't see myself hanging out with people with a bad reputation. and i expect my husband not to as well, i'm not gonna stop him from doing so, but he should know better.
you are soo right Nella, thats exactly how i see myself

i trust that i'm not gonna be doing what they're doing. but i don't trust people with my reputation.

I think this is the only thing that makes sense to me. When someone trust you, they trust you fully. However, they don't trust society with your reputation. I think that is where they come off trying to control who you friends are. But seriously, if my friends are my good friends and they happen to be great people with a bad reputation, then screw what society thinks. I choose my friends over them any day :)

I think this is the only thing that makes sense to me. When someone trust you, they trust you fully. However, they don't trust society with your reputation. I think that is where they come off trying to control who you friends are. But seriously, if my friends are my good friends and they happen to be great people with a bad reputation, then screw what society thinks. I choose my friends over them any day :)

Ahhhh :super:

I think this is the only thing that makes sense to me. When someone trust you, they trust you fully. However, they don't trust society with your reputation. I think that is where they come off trying to control who you friends are. But seriously, if my friends are my good friends and they happen to be great people with a bad reputation, then screw what society thinks. I choose my friends over them any day :)

well said, but there are friends with what we call a ''bad reputation'' (and that sure varies) that still are great friends that just dont involve you with what theyre doing. those kinda people i wont loose for my man, ill definetly argue it out. BUT there are friends, again with a ''bad reputation'' that not only ruin my image but perhaps try to push me with them or ''influence'' me, in that kind of situation id happily agree to back away. Soo although i agree in general with the no buts in trust thing .. i still also think theres always a but in almost everything we do ;s our society does not have that much of a steady flow .. everything varies and situations are different.
i dont think it effects the trust.