I've heard someone say once that they wouldn't want to get involved with someone who's parents are divorced.. Reason being that individuals from broken homes have had unstable lives, carry alot of emotional baggage and, basically, not having had the perfect image of a husband-wife together they do not have the right tools to make a marriage last and therefore would take divorce more lightly than those who have lived more stable lives.. (it's not uncommon that people with divorced parents end up themselves being divorced)


What do you think?! is this something that ever crossed your mind?! if you know individuals who are from broken homes, do you find that their idea of marriage differs from yours?!

Discuss :)

It depends on the person and how their parents separated if it was a nasty divorce than maybe :rolleyes:

If both parents knew how to handle their problems and talked to their kids about what was going on wrong the "right" way than they will try and understand and grow up living with it with no problems ;)

So I think it's all about the parents, if they didn't manage to communicate with their kids than that can cause a troubled child.

For me, I do take this into account too.. But the effect depends on the age and the personality of that person and how damage did this divorce cause.. I might try to help as much as I can, but if I see that my efforts are for nothing then that means that too much damage was caused and it needs much more patience, and thats something I lack.. This will result in ending the relationship..
I'd make sure to show the reasons why I'm ending it though, so that she'll learn from his mistakes and try to help herself or more like respond positively to the help that's offered, because she's the only one who would suffer the consequences of her actions..

I also agree with the point of the divorce thing

If the divorce happened with drama, then likely to have unstable emotional life and that might affect his/her relation later on and certainly will need a help to have normal life

There other cases where husband and wife separate but keep a healthy good relationship for their children to rise them as normal as possible

So it is really depend

yah that's 1 of the bad rsults of divorce...

it might just affect the wife, but her sons/daughters...

it differs from family to family, some mothers raise thier kids v well alone, and they grow to be great people, in this case, i wont have a problem...

but if the absence of 1 of the parents will lead the kids to grow up badly, then definetly i would avoid bieng in relation with them...

It depends on the person and how their parents separated if it was a nasty divorce than maybe :rolleyes:

If both parents knew how to handle their problems and talked to their kids about what was going on wrong the "right" way than they will try and understand and grow up living with it with no problems ;)

So I think it's all about the parents, if they didn't manage to communicate with their kids than that can cause a troubled child.


Ditto.....;)

I think that it is all irrelevant. It all depends on the person themselves. If anything in their life has taken a terrible turn on them, and they did not deal with it appropriately, then it will leave a nasty scar on their esteem, whether it is a divorced parents, or an abusive childhood or a terrible adolescent experience. All of those reasons can make someone a little more insecure, troubled with a whole lot of emotional baggage.

So to me, it depends on the person themselves, and how they dealt with that negative experience. It they found an appropriate outlet and dealt with the situation correctly, then they should be as "normal" as any other human being fit for marriage or a relationship.

Thanks for the insights everyone... I never ever expected it was something people took into consideration when searching for their significant others.. I'm glad I opened the thread. :)


Well, I am a child of divorce, and I'm a divorcee myself..

What I can say is, regardless of how good/ amicable the parents divorce was, it still leaves a life-long scar on the children's lives, one way or the other.. As a child of divorce, I've always known that what I want is a stable future.. a stable home.. a stable marriage with a happy ending..yet at the back of my head I've always known that divorce is a possible option if things dont seem to work well in the marriage.. I know people who go through rough times in their marriage and yet stick together and try to get over the diferences and I think to myself, if I were them I'd get a divorce :os I find it very admiring how those couples manage to stay together even when the tides are high..


So basically, my background unconsciously tells me to run away at the very signs of disagreements.. and this really scares me!

My experience has shaped me in many ways, most of which are positive.. I consider myself to have lived a happy life compared to others.. yet I cannot deny this negative aspect of it... I am aware of it and I will overcome it coz I dont want to end up divorced once again.. and whoever will get involved with me should be aware of it and decide whether he wants to deal with it or not :hyper:

Hey Bimmy, I'm a child of divorce and divorced myself too. Do you think there is any hope?! I mean, it's not like I intended to get divorced!

Next time will be better in sha Allah!

The fact that her parents are divorced would have absolutely no effect on how I judge her. Yes she might have alot of emotional baggage but who doesn't? god knows that I have it to and just like I would love for someone to accept me and take a chance on me I would do the same for someone else inshallah.

In my honest opinion , i would rather have a broken home of a divrced dad or mom Than have a broken home of a family that just live in one house BY NAME & everything else is messed up .. At least when you're divoreced & might have a scar that would last for a long time you can still see things cleary and you might be able to continue your life.. But being in one home & already broken , it will be long lasting pain and non ending problems, which can really distracts any person from presuading what they really want in life .. it affects allot psychologically ..

I think having parents that have divorced is a lesson in life that their kids can learn about. Most of the time, once we have our own kids, we look back at our parents in search of 'parenting tips' and we say, "My parents did that, and it worked. I'll do that then. That was a good idea." or "I think my parents made a mistake there. They paid for it later. I'll not make the same mistake."

Some people see their parents in endless quarrels, fights and violent arguments and think, "Damn. I ain't ever getting married."

Others see their parents deal amicably with their problems and say, "That's how I want to be."

Others watch their daddies beat their moms and say, "When I grow up, I'll never beat my wife."

And others watch their parents go their separate ways and say, "When I get married, I'll do my best to listen and communicate and not let our marriage problems get this far."

People who have ideal worlds are sometimes unattached from the nitty gritty of real life else where. On the other hand, people who have had bad experiences and have come out of them in one piece have experience of the world and are probably more street wise because they've been through it before.



A fat kid is picked on all his life at school and in the street. Emotional baggage.
A kid who had glasses, a kid who has a lisp, a kid who can't play football and was always left out at a 'reserve'. Emotional baggage.
A kid is ignored and treated badly by his family. Emotional baggage.
A kid who lost a parent through illness or accident. Emotional baggage.

After disqualifying people with these qualities, there will hardly be anyone marriagable left on the planet.

Well, my wife and I BOTH come from homes where the parents divorced.

That's one solution! :p

I certainly carry emotional baggage...several suitcases full!

But our son will NOT come from a home where his parents divorced.

Hmm. I think it's probably a good rule of thumb. Something to think about when you are marrying someone, but maybe not an absolute rule.

I also come from a broken home. I think there are a lot of issues with children of divorce when they become adults but its not been studied that much, except to say that they are more likely to divorce themselves.

But there is a book, and I really wish I could remember the title, where a Psychologist studied children right through to adulthood and from various ages when their parents broke up because the age plays a major role.

But I think knowing about it and how it impacts you is good because you can then sort out any issues you might have with your partner or with counseling and make your marriage work.

In my honest opinion , i would rather have a broken home of a divrced dad or mom Than have a broken home of a family that just live in one house BY NAME & everything else is messed up .. At least when you're divoreced & might have a scar that would last for a long time you can still see things cleary and you might be able to continue your life.. But being in one home & already broken , it will be long lasting pain and non ending problems, which can really distracts any person from presuading what they really want in life .. it affects allot psychologically ..

well, individuals who have lived their lives travelling between two homes would argue otherwise! Check this article from Reader's Digest:

New Reasons To Stay Together (http://www.rd.com/content/new-reasons-to-stay-together/)



But as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.. :)

I also come from a broken home. I think there are a lot of issues with children of divorce when they become adults but its not been studied that much, except to say that they are more likely to divorce themselves.

Kara, I believe in general people refuse to acknowledge the long term conflicts that children of divorce have to deal with as they grow up.. it could be because of many reasons: we do not want to victimize ourselves and the adults themselves do not want to be made feeling guilty for their choices.. the common belief is that if the divorce is managed well by the divorcing parents then the kids will manage just well.. just because we didn't end up being drug addicts, school drop outs or failures in life doesn't mean we were "just fine"! It might not be visible to others, but the scar is there, and it remains well into adulthood, regardless of how successful individuals we have turned to be..

There are few researches out there, but Elizabeth Marquardt's Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce (http://www.amazon.com/Between-Two-Worlds-Children-Divorce/dp/0307237109)is surely a great read.. Its amazing how I could connect with the experiences of people who come from a very different background than mine.. (check the link for a description of the book + book reviews):

After the divorce, our parents may no longer have been in conflict, but the conflict between their worlds was still alive. Yet instead of being in the open, visible to outsiders, the conflict between their worlds migrated and took root within us. When we sought our own identities—when we asked “Who am I?”—we were confronted with two wholly separate ways of living. Any answer we gleaned from one world could be undermined by looking at the other. Being too much like Dad could threaten the Mom-self inside us, and vice versa. These conflicts were not raised in conversation with or between our parents, or with anybody else, but internally. We were one in our bodies but we did not feel one inside. Even the “good divorce” left us struggling with divided selves.-- from Between Two Worlds.

But there is a book, and I really wish I could remember the title, where a Psychologist studied children right through to adulthood and from various ages when their parents broke up because the age plays a major role.




Could it be Judith Wallerstein's The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmar Study ?! or maybeSecond Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade after Divorce by the same author?! :think:

Well, my wife and I BOTH come from homes where the parents divorced.

That's one solution! :p

I certainly carry emotional baggage...several suitcases full!

But our son will NOT come from a home where his parents divorced.

Hmm. I think it's probably a good rule of thumb. Something to think about when you are marrying someone, but maybe not an absolute rule.


Interesting, Jeff! and I always thought that would be a disastrous combination but you've proved me wrong :p

It all boils down to what Fengy is asserting in her post..

if you know individuals who are from broken homes, do you find that their idea of marriage differs from yours?!
I know someone who has divorced parents, and he tends to ask about marriage and divorce in a way we in class don't ask.

Oh please how can someone ever think of judging a person based on her parents marriage status ? I believe that a person who even thinks of judging someone in such way, is very shallow and is certainly NOT the person I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

Come on! How on earth is it her fault that her parents never got along? This is what god wrote for her family, so why judge her on a decision that is out of her hands? The girl may be emotional to the extreme, yes that's a fact. But all she needs is more attention from the guy, as she has been lacking it from her home & family.

Life is a game, but one should know how to play it. Everything is clear and nothing is really complex unless you want it to be. No one is perfect, and true love only comes but learning how to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Hence, a girl is what she wants to be NOT what her background is! Also, I believe that a girl whom has come from a broken home has a better chance for a succesful marriage, as she has been through ALOT in her life and has learnt alot from her experiences to what she has observed from her own parents since childhood .. Therefore, what i'm trying to say is that she will carry lots and lots of patience inside her and never fall apart that easily.

"Slow and steady, wins the race."

lol.. calm down JUVE :p no one is judging anyone here..



Hence, a girl is what she wants to be NOT what her background is! Also, I believe that a girl whom has come from a broken home has a better chance for a succesful marriage, as she has been through ALOT in her life and has learnt alot from her experiences to what she has observed from her own parents since childhood .. Therefore, what i'm trying to say is that she will carry lots and lots of patience inside her and never fall apart that easily.


I can't agree less.. the ones who have lived the experience know for sure it's not the kind of life they want for their kids. Like I said, a stable home is what we have always yearned for... if anything, it is the one thing that we have lacked during our childhood and so we try hard to create it when we grow up.. but then, once you get married you realize it's not as easy as you thought it'd be.. All I can say is, it's best that you know that there is a problem (and solve it with patience) than try to deny it and live with the confusion alone!

lol.. calm down JUVE no one is judging anyone here..

Sorry, I just get too sensetive when it comes to divorce topics.

It's a bit confusing issue.

Cuz I really realized that the ones who came from Broken Home -as u call it end up by divorcing when getting married. (Real examples are most reliable that theories).

But above all, it's a relative case. They could be successful in their marriage life since they share a common goal- to love each other and raise happy kids.

*Thanks Bimzoori for ur interesting thread* :)

Oh please how can someone ever think of judging a person based on her parents marriage status ? I believe that a person who even thinks of judging someone in such way, is very shallow and is certainly NOT the person I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

Come on! How on earth is it her fault that her parents never got along? This is what god wrote for her family, so why judge her on a decision that is out of her hands? The girl may be emotional to the extreme, yes that's a fact. But all she needs is more attention from the guy, as she has been lacking it from her home & family.

Life is a game, but one should know how to play it. Everything is clear and nothing is really complex unless you want it to be. No one is perfect, and true love only comes but learning how to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Hence, a girl is what she wants to be NOT what her background is! Also, I believe that a girl whom has come from a broken home has a better chance for a succesful marriage, as she has been through ALOT in her life and has learnt alot from her experiences to what she has observed from her own parents since childhood .. Therefore, what i'm trying to say is that she will carry lots and lots of patience inside her and never fall apart that easily.

"Slow and steady, wins the race."

Can't say more :) ..
You are in no place to judge your partner's family issues especially divorce ..
I don't know but I feel I will be more comfortable with someone from a broken home than a normal one ..

The fact that her parents are divorced would have absolutely no effect on how I judge her. Yes she might have alot of emotional baggage but who doesn't? god knows that I have it to and just like I would love for someone to accept me and take a chance on me I would do the same for someone else inshallah.

exactly
........

well, I think that if it doesn't affect him as a person, (like blaming everything on the tough ride he had 'cause his parents are divorced) then its fine by me.. I've known great people from broken homes, and some broken homes are better than not broken ones :rolleyes:

And as Nabs said, we all have emotional baggage no matter what kinda home we come from.