Honorable MEN

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman or GirlFirend (to understand man)

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."



The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Anjelina Jolie. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.



"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth !"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Victoria Beckham. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."



The moral of this story is:

Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.



That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE HONORABLE MEN !!!!!!"

A lie is always a lie...

Unless if it is for a good deed.. then it can be an exceptional... But still thinking about it... it is very hurtful

they r still lies! >> the moral is sooo wrong !!
ok my joke!

Kelvin was mowing grass in his garden, infront of his house. His neighbour, Alice, suddenly walked out of the door, slamming her door vigorously and open her mailbox and she groans. She went back inside. Then after a few minutes, she came out again and does the same thing continuously for three times. Kelvin was confused. So when she came out of her house again, Kelvin asks her, " Why you keep coming out of your house again and again and check your mailbox?," Alice replied," Because my computer said that I have an mail in my mailbox.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

mine is not that funny
but atleast i got one :p

Don't Marry a Computer, Software or a Web Engineer


Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening dear....I'm now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband : Syntax Error. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband : Variable not found . . .
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband : Too many parameters . . .
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband : It's by Default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband : File in use . . . Try later.
Wife: What is my value in the family.
Husband : Unknown Virus

Here's one,

Consequences of American life-style,
wife to her husband: Hubby, darling, get here fast! your kids and my kids are beating up our kids!
:XD: No offence.

heheheheheh :XD::XD:

A hot sexy Girl walks to the bartender and puts her fingers in his lips . Excited the bartender started kissing and licking each finger .
The Girl said:
Tell your manager that there is no paper in the toilet ;)

^^EEewwww digusting...loooolaaaat!!

DP man tht was nasty! real nasty! funny tho :)

Eww :os

Haha Rapper Gurl's joke cracked me up :p

A hot sexy Girl walks to the bartender and puts her fingers in his lips . Excited the bartender started kissing and licking each finger .
The Girl said:
Tell your manager that there is no paper in the toilet ;)
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.....naughty joke but funny
you are a naughty guy you know that DP? :no: where are you getting all these jokes?!

http://www.arauk.co.uk/jokes/BadParenting.jpg

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j106/Haroundb/mendiex.jpg

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Ashcroft said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of Maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

LOOOOOOOOOL Pino ...

Al-gebra movement

weapons of maths instruction LOL LOL

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken
finger."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first."

Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs,

"The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

LOL Funny ones ;) Silent waves ... But are you silent ;) and a wave LOL

LOL!! :hyper: :hyper: :hyper:

very funny you guyz

but the toilet one lol :hyper:

good one Dark :cool:

mine is not that funny
but atleast i got one :p

Don't Marry a Computer, Software or a Web Engineer


Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening dear....I'm now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband : Syntax Error. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband : Variable not found . . .
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband : Too many parameters . . .
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband : It's by Default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband : File in use . . . Try later.
Wife: What is my value in the family.
Husband : Unknown Virus


Ha ha:hyper:

>>Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
>>Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
>>Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
>> Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
>> Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's
>>urgent.
>>Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But
>>what's
>>this urgent matter about?
>>Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe
>>Wan was
>>involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is
>>being sent
>>to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
>>hospital.
>>Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
>>hospital
>>from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this
>>hilarious
>>but I don't have time for this!
>> Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
>>Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
>>Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Following a few frantic minutes,air-traffic controller finally made radio contact with the lost young pilot.

"What was your last known position?" they asked.

"When I was No.1 for takeoff," came the reply.

You know ur an arab when:
-A visa is not a credit card...

-You refer to your dad's friends as Amoo. ..

-You have an endless supply of pistachios, dates, and pumpkin seeds...

-Your parents say you're becoming Americanized everytime you get into trouble.

-You curse at your teachers or strangers in Arabic. ....

- You can spot an Arab a mile away and they have spotted you too because they keep staring. ..

-After a family meal, the women fight to death over who should wash the dishes while the men sit on their behinds and discuss politics, waiting for their tea. ..

-Your parents want you to become a doctor or an engineer....

-You use your forehead and eyebrows to point something out...

-Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner even if you're in the next room....

-You have at least thirty cousins. ...

-You arrive one or two hours late to a party and think it's normal.

-You are standing next to the largest suitcases at the Airport.

-You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house....

-You say bye 17 times on the phone. ...

-When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover they know one of your uncles back home. ...

-Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries
have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making long distance calls...

-Your mother does everything for you if you are a guy

-You do all the housework and cooking if you are a girl...

-Your relatives alone could populate a small city.....

-You still come back home to live with your parents after you graduate...

-You always say "open the light" instead of "turn the light on".

-Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day...

-You've had a shoe thrown at you by your mother.....

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their bottom.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she Goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:
"Melbourne".
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies, "moved there a few months ago."
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

This is a true story, it happened in Utah and was on the news!

Here's the story. A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in this neighborhood. He had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built.

Apparently, the new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would
allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make
sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbor had some great arguments about this as you can imagine - not great feelings. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line - no doubt at great expense.

Recently, Mark Easton called the city and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view, this is what they found... (see attached pictures).

^^Lo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oL!!:hyper:

^^^ hilarious! :color:

LOL!! :hyper:

thanx for sharing MM..what a view lol

Lufthansa Airlines

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean".

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

"Ladies and
Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane.

After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.

Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.

For all
of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... -Thank You for Flying Lufthansa- ".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Delta Airlines

At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying,

"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate
41.

Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank You for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

British Airways

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome
you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.

We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

2. Men are like ........ Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.


3. Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them..

4. Men are like ........ Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ........ Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ........ Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ....... Popcorn . .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like . Snowstorms ............. You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ....... Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

2. Men are like ........ Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
7. Men are like ........ Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
10. Men are like ....... Popcorn . .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

LOOOOOOOOOOOL a bit on the sex side ;) naughty you are Her XLNC ;):)

loool...*blush* *blush*

Many great jokes! At first I was going to comment on a few specific ones, but there were so many good ones! Thanks all!

I will share with you the only joke I have heretofore heard in Oman. It was about three years ago, and I heard it on the radio. You've all probably heard it already. Here it is:

Heaven is having a German car, Chinese food, a Kuwaiti salary and an Omani wife.

Hell is having a Chinese car, German food, an Omani salary and a Kuwaiti wife!

LOOOL liberty quite right ! quite right :)

LOL! :hyper:

funny and True your XLNC *bows* lol

Good one. I couldn't resist the temptation to add one more line to justify it.

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
The Laxative is worth it, you feel a lot better after you've had one

2. Men are like ........ Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Yeah, they're ripe(er) and sweeter

4. Men are like ........ Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Until you've used them once and then you can't live with it.

5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Can't blame them, chocolates are hard to resist

6. Men are like ....... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
But they sure get the message across

7. Men are like ........ Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
1/2 off and thats what keep them coming back for more

8. Men are like ........ Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Once matured, you'll be glad you invested.

10. Men are like ....... Popcorn . .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
It's fun while it lasts

11. Men are like . Snowstorms ............. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Who doesn't like to play with snow?

12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
But it'll keep you captivated for hours

13. Men are like ....... Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Look at the brighter side, there still is a slot.

^^^LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.....3aib 3alaik -shame on you-

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a young leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep-doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story.............

Don't mess with old farts, for age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! bull$hit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

^^luved it :)

The Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.

Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the
registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in
there.

Officer: You have a gun in there?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns
the car. She's in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!?

The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for
backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded by police, and the captain
approaches the driver to handle the situation.

Captain : Sir, can I see your license?

Driver : Sure, Officer.

Captain : Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this?

Driver : It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain : Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can
see if there's a gun in there?

Driver : Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun.

Captain : Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said
there's a body in there.

Driver : No problem.

The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire.

Captain : The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have
a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that
there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver : Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!

This is a true story, it happened in Utah and was on the news!

Here's the story. A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in this neighborhood. He had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built.

Apparently, the new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would
allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make
sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbor had some great arguments about this as you can imagine - not great feelings. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line - no doubt at great expense.

Recently, Mark Easton called the city and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view, this is what they found... (see attached pictures).

i am not able to open the links ..:( :(
this is what i got when i tried to open it ,,

miss-mambo, you do not have permission to access this page. This could be due to one of several reasons:

Your user account may not have sufficient privileges to access this page. Are you trying to edit someone else's post, access administrative features or some other privileged system?
If you are trying to post, the administrator may have disabled your account, or it may be awaiting activation.
:think: i have no idea what to do ! any help plz! :shy:

^^^ u have to reach @ least a 100 posts to veiw the pictures....

The Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.

Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the
registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in
there.

Officer: You have a gun in there?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns
the car. She's in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!?

The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for
backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded by police, and the captain
approaches the driver to handle the situation.

Captain : Sir, can I see your license?

Driver : Sure, Officer.

Captain : Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this?

Driver : It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain : Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can
see if there's a gun in there?

Driver : Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun.

Captain : Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said
there's a body in there.

Driver : No problem.

The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire.

Captain : The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have
a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that
there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver : Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!


OoooooooH!!! i should try that......................:rolleyes: :6:

Subject: Which Airline?




A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he approached towards her and said the Delta Airline slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a confused look and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta Airlines."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,
"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He then removed Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned to him "What the F*$K do you want?"

The man smiled, then lay back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Gulf Air!"

^Haha! I'll tell that to my aunt and others who work at GF, lol.
-------
Country House Caretaker

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Mr. Cosgrove? This is Arnaldo, your country house caretaker"

Mr. C: "Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

Arnaldo: "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

Mr. C: "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"

Arnaldo: "That's the one."

Mr. C: "Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh
well...what did he die from?"

Arnaldo: "From eating rotten meat."

Mr. C: "Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"

Arnaldo: "Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

Mr. C: "Dead horse? What dead horse, Mr. Arnaldo?"

Arnaldo: "Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."

Mr. C: "Are you insane? What water cart?"

Arnaldo: "The one we used to put out the fire."

Mr. C: "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

Arnaldo: "The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."

Mr. C: "What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"

Arnaldo: "For the funeral."

Mr.C: "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!!!"

Arnaldo: "Your wife's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE..........................
Mr.C: "Arnaldo... if you broke that driver you are so fired!"

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today

_ _ _ _ _ _


TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America
CLASS: George


_ _ _ _ _ _


TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago
WILLY: Me


_ _ _ _ _ _


TEACHER: Are you chewing gum
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.


_ _ _ _ _ _

TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours


_ _ _ _ _ _


TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are


_ _ _ _ _ _


HAROLD:Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? TEACHER: Of course not
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework


_ _ _ _ _ _


TEACHER: Why are you late
WEBSTER: Because of the sign
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow


_ _ _ _ _ _


TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn't either


_ _ _ _ _ _


GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


Anonymous


"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays".

Henry Youngman


"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years".

Sam Kinison


"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash



"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste"

David Bissonette


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once….."

Anonymous


"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't".

Patrick Murray


"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."

Henny Youngman


"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

Rodney Dangerfield


"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."

Milton Berle


"Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy."

Anonymous


"A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


Anonymous


"First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel ! Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Hemant Joshi

BELIEVE it or not,
These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
================================================== ===

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!

================================================== ======
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

================================================== =====
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
================================================== =====

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

=============================================

:XD: :color: :hyper: :p :D :cute: :) ;)

Strange meanings of common words!!!


Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce: Future tense of marriage

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc...: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Computer Engineer: One who gets paid for reading such stuff...

hahahah thanks XLNC

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her purse, extracted
ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked "No," I don't waste time shopping, the
homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. The homeless Woman was astounded! "Won't your hubby
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting" the woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine!"

^^LOL....thats funny!!

One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to Miss?" he stammered.

"Kings Cross," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at driver?"

"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare?"

"The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and Asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"


The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 Pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March........

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Asda with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance.

The Asda Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda.... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming at the kids long enough to say, "No they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the
hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, you pillock?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Asda with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance.

The Asda Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda.... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming at the kids long enough to say, "No they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the
hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, you pillock?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"