Arranged marriages and connection

[sophis^catrina]

A lot of people in our society when it comes to marriage might be inclined to ask our elders for their advice, on whom they *think* would make a good spouse for ourselves. In other words, perhaps an arranged marriage or just plain advice.

For example, in my case, one of my relatives is someone that most people in my family find a good partner for me. They say he is very much like me and we will suit. That is most of my aunts, my elders. They never understood why did I keep rejecting the idea.

I didn't reject the idea, coz he was a relative. Far from it. But rather that whenever I sat with him I did not have a connection with him. He never understood me. He did not think I was anything special (and I wanted to be treated like a jewel!) , and when he tried to strike up a conversation it would be boring. Not because he is a boring person, but because he thought I was the boring person interested in what's boring. In other words, he does not understand me. I have no connection with him.

Outwardly, he would look like a great match. That's what all my relatives see. And if I hadn't sat down with him, I would have thought so the same thing. Sitting down with him I knew that I would not have the bliss I so wanted in marriage if I married him. We did not connect.

Could this be one of the great dangers of arranged marriages? The superficial exterior that we see?

That's why I so love love marriages- coz u know u connect with the person, whether it might be temproary or permanently, but u were in bliss for at least a while! :D

[Intellective]

Connection between couples is a very important thing in relationships.if its short term relation or longer(marriage). Connection between 2 people,help them to get to know each other deep and understand each other. Without it you have nothing its just like having a ball with a hole. You'll never understand what your partner is talking about,he talks about 'A' you talking about 'Z', coz you dont understand each other,you have no base in your relatioship which is connection.

[Orion]

I didn't reject the idea, coz he was a relative. Far from it. But rather that whenever I sat with him I did not have a connection with him. He never understood me. He did not think I was anything special (and I wanted to be treated like a jewel!) , and when he tried to strike up a conversation it would be boring. Not because he is a boring person, but because he thought I was the boring person interested in what's boring. In other words, he does not understand me. I have no connection with him.

Outwardly, he would look like a great match. That's what all my relatives see. And if I hadn't sat down with him, I would have thought so the same thing. Sitting down with him I knew that I would not have the bliss I so wanted in marriage if I married him. We did not connect.

[B]Could this be one of the great dangers of arranged marriages? The superficial exterior that we see?

That's why I so love love marriages- coz u know u connect with the person, whether it might be temproary :D

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ........

Choose who you want to be with and live with that choice ... it's not that complicated ... it is an important decision ...

but don't make more or less of what it is ...

You will live with the ramifications.

Not your uncle Banky ... or Aunty Tamy ...

:hehe:

[sophis^catrina]

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ........

Choose who you want to be with and live with that

:hehe:

I wasn't asking advice. :lift: I was just giving that as an example on arranged marriages, and what would be the major thing that could go wrong. "Could this be one of the great dangers of arranged marriages? The superficial exterior that we see?" .


Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

[Orion]

I wasn't asking advice. :lift: I was just giving that as an example on arranged marriages, and what would be the major thing that could go wrong. "Could this be one of the great dangers of arranged marriages? The superficial exterior that we see?" .

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Arranged Marriages Suck in this Day & Age.

That's my :50bz: .

Feel free to tell me how wrong I am ... but if I lived in the interior all my life ... I may see the merits to it.

But as an educated young lady like you probably knows ... it's incompatible with the lifestyle you have grown up with and what you've been taught.

[Pineapple Thief]

it's incompatible with the lifestyle you have grown up with and what you've been taught.


Ahhh, no doubt accidentaly, you've brought up the real issue.

'the lifestyle we've grown up with'. How we've been conditioned. In the 'interior' they teach us that arranged marriages are good. In the 'modern world' they tell us to choose our on partner.

The former is based on some assumed wisdom of some elders who are probably just prejudiced old men. In the latter its based on the assumed wisdom of our confused, scared, angsty little minds.

Conditioning. We think like they want us to. If they tell us its good, then ultimately it must be good...everyone else is doing it, and half of them are getting it right. So the odds are in our favor right? Wherever we've grown up, whatever we've been taught, this is true. Who are we to doubt it? Speaking out, independant thought, makes us look stupid. Why do it?

Follow the norm, understand that the norm, be the norm, thats the only way to have others see you as something more than the norm.
:lift:
Wait a second. How does that work. I have no clue, but it does.


So which is better, arranged marriages or independant choice? It depends on the norm, doesnt it. I offer no solutions and no opinions. I just give a theory, and I apologise for the fact that its probably impossible to understand what I just said. But when I havent thought through it properly, it comes out like that.l
:)

[Orion]

Ahhh, no doubt accidentaly, you've brought up the real issue.


Nothing I say or do is an accident.

[Arabian Princess]

PT touched the core of the issue .. it really depends how you have been brought up or told.

I dont expect a person living in "free" america to understand the virtus of independant choice marraige and I cant expect a person who never left thier village to understand the virtus of independant choice marraige.

whatever suits the enviroment you are in would be best.

Sophis, I dont think lack of communication is a thread of arranged marraige only. Lack of communication happens also in independant choice marraige. People get attracted to different things. and they might underestimate the importance of communication and end up in the same situation.
Plus, usually in the arranged marraiges I knew about, the couple are given some time to interact with each other before they give the decision.

[Wardat_il'7leej]

I think that arrange marriages (back in the days) were set for convince rather than your (present day) ideology of falling in love. People we simply matched up because of XYZ reason and I would agree that it presents some sort of superficial exterior to the world, but yet most of those marriages survived, thus there must have been some logic to them.
Could you say the same for love marriages? YES since you simply don’t know what would work best, each person is different and each case is unique.

You are not stuck with the person you choose as your life partner be it arranged or love but once you are in a marriage its up to those involved to make the best of where their choice has lead them.

[Gohan]

In my home town, I only heard of 5-7 divorces that is 0.01%, which I can say is not bad. I wonder how is the percentage like in a place where people marry for the sake of LOOUVE.

[Arabian Princess]

the west have a high percentage of divorcies though most of thier marraiges are based on independence choice ;)

[Wardat_il'7leej]

Arby that does not only apply to the west, the divorce rate is high even in our side of the world...be it arranged or love marriages

[Arabian Princess]

I am saying, even when independant choice is the sole reason a person goes for a marraige, Divorce is high in west countries. which could give us an indication, that independance choice isnt always the secret for a happy marraige!

[Orion]

Bull Cocky ... this entire thread is based on the premise that we have grown up in the same kind of environment that our forefathers did.

Their alot of things that our parents put up with that we did not have to ... like drinking tap water ... or living for long periods of time without Air Conditioning ...

To assume that anyone here has an iota of an idea what it takes for a life long marriage to work in ANY circumstance denies the actual basis that NONE of us know what we are talking about at the BEST of times ... and at worst ... our wild notions and observations made in fairy tale fashion misleads those boys and girls who think "it's not such a bad idea - I mean if my elders did it ... and it worked for them ... why not for me?"

Anyway, I'm preaching to the deaf.

And people wonder why they are soo many unhappy marriages and divorce rates are spiraling out of control ... (I'm waiting for someone to tell me it's because of lack of religion than this thread will be two shakes short of a bad joke).

The only honest, sincere, wise elders in your family, are the ones that say "what worked for me ... will most likely not work for you."

Enjoy the rest of this diatribous thread ...

[Wardat_il'7leej]

Why the hell did i get a red rep for this thread? :confused:

[Arabian Princess]

To assume that anyone here has an iota of an idea what it takes for a life long marriage to work in ANY circumstance denies the actual basis that NONE of us know what we are talking about at the BEST of times ... and at worst ... our wild notions and observations made in fairy tale fashion misleads those boys and girls who think "it's not such a bad idea - I mean if my elders did it ... and it worked for them ... why not for me?"

Anyway, I'm preaching to the deaf

you are not!! coz PT mentioned the same thing exactly and others agreed with him.

What I said earlier was exactly the same, independance choice doesnt mean that you would live a happy life and neither does arranged marraige!! Warda gave the summry when she said: its up to those involved to make the best of where their choice has lead them.

[Wardat_il'7leej]

Anyway, I'm preaching to the deaf....

We r listening but r u reading others threads......MINE! :think:

[EarThQuaKe]

Bull Cocky ...


Anyway, I'm preaching to the deaf.

And people wonder why they are soo many unhappy marriages and divorce rates are spiraling out of control ...

(I'm waiting for someone to tell me it's because of lack of religion than this thread will be two shakes short of a bad joke).

The only honest, sincere, wise elders in your family, are the ones that say "what worked for me ... will most likely not work for you."

Enjoy the rest of this diatribous thread ...

Well my family at least taught me manners. Dont tell me those wont work in this time as well.

[Orion]

We r listening but r u reading others threads......MINE! :think:

;-) I know what you think ... you are the least of my worries ... it's the 19 year old girl who randomly browses the Sabla and reads that in some circumstances ... 'arranged marriage is for her' ...

Which begs the question ... why is she using the InterNet ...

And what are we supposed to be teaching?

[Orion]

Well my family at least taught me manners. Dont tell me those wont work in this time as well.

Good for you - I'm sure you are boy scout too ... have anything to say about arranged marriage?

[Wardat_il'7leej]

We r supposed to be teaching people to be individuals and decide things on their own. Know how to take responsibility for their actions but yet we can also discuss issues so as to shine some light into things that may confuse others

[Orion]

We r supposed to be teaching people to be individuals and decide things on their own. Know how to take responsibility for their actions but yet we can also discuss issues so as to shine some light into things that may confuse others

Considering what I've read ... those spreading the wisdom are more confused ...

[Arabian Princess]

yah ofcourse, and you are here to save us from confusion.

May Allah bless you, please shower us with your enlighted thought cause we really need to see the light!!

[Orion]

yah ofcourse, and you are here to save us from confusion.

May Allah bless you, please shower us with your enlighted thought cause we really need to see the light!!

I don't think you see the light ... you do have to see something ...

[Wardat_il'7leej]

Considering what I've read ... those spreading the wisdom are more confused ...

This is gonna get ugly :lift:

[EarThQuaKe]

Considering what I've read ... those spreading the wisdom are more confused ...

wisdom
- The sum of learning through the ages

- Wise teachings of the ancient sages.

- accumulated knowledge or erudition or enlightenment.

It seams that wisdom is part of what the old people provide us so we can build on it. I thought that wisdom is crap with you and old people dont know anything about the new age, but you are still seeking "wisdom".

It seams that you have a very bad experience with arranged marriage. Maybe it runs through the family or something. I will ignore you, your wisdom and your red reps because you aint worth teaching.

I am happy with my deafness, blindness and confusion.

One more thing wisdom is not what you think is right so you cant flame people with insults, if they do not agree with you.

[Pineapple Thief]

We see marriage as being about love, but do they? Some see it as tax benefits, some see it as a way of continuing the species, as someone to take care of the house, as a way of relieving sexual frustration.

Kulchur 2 kulchur.

[Pineapple Thief]

Why the hell did i get a red rep for this thread? :confused:

If its any consolation, I got one too. I think some spiteful members might not like us!
:cute:

[Intellective]

If its any consolation, I got one too. I think some spiteful members might not like us!
:cute:

me too :lift:

I know who it is.
What wrong did i say?
Member you mite as well explain.

[Gohan]

woooow. it seams that Pretender gave all of the participants red reps. lol... What did I do to deserve one as well. :(

[sophis^catrina]

I got one as well.

[Intellective]

Its him no one else.
He shouldnt come in this thread if he was against wat we said.

[Bimzoori]

Why the hell did i get a red rep for this thread? :confused:


If its any consolation, I got one too

me too


lol... What did I do to deserve one as well. :(


I got one as well.

LoLz! sorry but this thread has cracked me up.. I'm here to test whether any perticipant ends up with a red rep.. :color: lol I'm still laughing my head off...

Anywaysss,

Any marriage based on shaky grounds will inevitably crumble sooner or later.. so decide for urself what sort of material u want your marriage to be based on..

[Orion]

LOL ... joy oh joy. There is a God.

[Wardat_il'7leej]

It aint you Pretender.....That’s what other members have been saying but i guess it never suited your intellectual level

[Orion]

It aint you Pretender.....That’s what other members have been saying but i guess it never suited your intellectual level

Intell-a-what?

Stop using big words ... express yourself Monosyllabically.

I think I'll ask my mom to hook me up with one of those girls she keeps on the short list ... after all who cares about the ramifications of a small thing like a marriage.

:sabla:

[Wardat_il'7leej]

Intell-a-what?

Stop using big words ... express yourself Monosyllabically.

I think I'll ask my mom to hook me up with one of those girls she keeps on the short list ... after all who cares about the ramifications of a small thing like a marriage.

:sabla:

Ramifications another word…consequence …should add that one to my vocab
Monosyllabically: what’s that monkey business ….sound like it!

Aren't you the one who said if you aren't happy get out?!?!
let me help you even further…

O_U_T spells out...you know when you run away from something to get out of a situation

H-A-P-P-Y something you might find once you choose someone from the shortlist your mum is saving

Should I expect another red rep from you?

[jack]

One womans story of an arranged marriage ... ;)

"Lubna

I have always dreamt of having an education, to be like those women I see working in offices.

I never wanted to become a doctor nor could I ever imagine myself as being a lawyer. I just wanted to settle for something simple - a teacher or a nurse, for example.

At the age of 16 I was forced to marry a relative of mine who lives in London.

I thought that my dreams were coming true and this man would grant me all that I ever wished for.

Since I've been here I have been on my own, raising my children by myself.

'I hate myself'

I only meet people he chooses for me to meet and he forbids me from leaving the house at any time by myself.

I cry my eyes out and beg for him to allow me to study anything, or at least to learn English, but he has always refused.

I have reached a point where I have begun to hate myself and hate my own children.

He makes me wear the full Islamic dress although I already wear a headscarf and have always been decently dressed.

It hurts and frustrates me a lot to see other Arab women whose husbands give them the freedom to decide their own future and develop themselves.

Moments of intimacy with my husband last for minutes and I loath them and loath myself when he touches me with no feelings whatsoever.

How can I raise my children, when I myself have been deprived of learning?

I don't know what to do or where to go to. And this is what I got from living in London."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4051791.stm#lubna

[EarThQuaKe]

LoLz! sorry but this thread has cracked me up.. I'm here to test whether any perticipant ends up with a red rep.. :color: lol I'm still laughing my head off...

Anywaysss,

Any marriage based on shaky grounds will inevitably crumble sooner or later.. so decide for urself what sort of material u want your marriage to be based on..

I got one 2... LOL :cute:

[Arabian Princess]

one story out of how many marraiges Jack???

BOTH arranged and non arranged marraiges could end up the same way!!

[jack]

one story out of how many marraiges Jack???

BOTH arranged and non arranged marraiges could end up the same way!!Yes they could both end up that way.

Now which arraingement do you think would have the better chance of ending up that way? ;)

[Enigma]

My two sense is that its all about luck; whether its arranged or by love.

[Orion]

Hmmm ... arranged marriage = love marriage on chances if they will succeed ...

Right ... I have another one about Pigs that Fly.

[Pineapple Thief]

-You guys dont even know the difference between an arranged marriage and a forced marriage.
-You refuse to even try to see it from the perspective of the other side - which isnt my side, but at least im not so arrogant that I deny its existance.

Grow up. Realise that you aren't being smart, even though you have the potential to be. Believe it or not, we lived in Oman as well. We've lived abroad as well. Stop treating everyone on the board like theyre a bunch of cavemen. Stop generalising. Stop seeing things as either good or bad. There is good, there is bad, and theres a whole ocean of in between.

Love is such a fickle thing: to base a marriage on it and think it will succeed is just foolhardy as arranged marriages. How can one say which is better without knowing the players involved?

I used to see arranged marriages as something bad always. Now I just realise its not my way: many people ask their mothers to find them a wife. And occasionally it works. Does it work more or less than love marriages? I dont know. I do know theres a fine line between arranged and forced marriages. Forced marriages are never right. Arranged marriages may be, especially since in many (most? again I dont know) cases theres a choice.

I am one for love marriages. But I can see the other side, at least to SOME extent I allow myself to see it anyway.

[HaYa]

Love is such a fickle thing: to base a marriage on it and think it will succeed is just foolhardy as arranged marriages. How can one say which is better without knowing the players involved?

Exactly :)..

There is no exact rule .
Recently i've been hearing alot of love marriages breaking up, some of them didn't even last 6 month :( , Now thats scary but i can't set it as a rule , as Pt said it all depends on the players ( i liked the word :cute: ) and how helpful the circumstances are.

[Wardat_il'7leej]

Marriage is not an equation that works based on the way you marry a person but on how much you work to make the marriage a success. I niether with or against both concepts mentioned above for marriage since both are never garanteed.
PT you mentioned forced marriages, which no one dared to bring up in this thread...is this cause it ceased to exit or that people are turning a blind eye to its exitance?

[IceTea]

In my opinion there are two type of arranged marriage:

1) blind arrange marraige, means the family will select a girl for the guy, the two families agree and straight wedding. This means without discussion between the couple up front before anything official.

2) The other type is that the parents or family recommend a girl for the guy, this is like starting point to let the two know eachother, after that some meetings can be arranged and today there are many communications methods that can be used.

Now it's up to the copule in the 2nd type to evaluate the relation and wheather to proceed with the marraige or not, but just going for the marraige without simple synchronized feelings is a mistake. However, love can come after marraige although it could start before marraige but it will get mature after marraige.

At the end love is a just feeling and feelings change by time as it's not static feeling, it could be strong love in the begining but latter things change and the spatk of it will go down and the opposite could be true. Even pure communication and understanding could vary from time to time, and no marraige life without problems as there is no perfect life in this life.