I'm sure you've heard this sentence before, maybe even from a family member of yours. 20-30 years ago people in Oman rarely fell into a love which was followed by a marriage, they had the arranged marriage thing going on. Today some young men still think the same way, or they'll reach a certain age, see they haven't found someone worth sharing their life with, want a family and so they'll go to their moms and ask her to find them a bride.

Desperation or just another way of moving into a different stage of life?

What do you think of guys who think this way and ask that of their mothers?

Do you find it slightly insultive toward women, 'find me a bride' like 'find me some material for my dishdasha'?

it's not necesserly they havn't found someone worth sharing thier life with. It's like tradition then desperation or a way of moving into a different stage of life
I don't see anything wrong with it.
some of the guys who ask thier mom that arn't the type that'll go looking at girls and flirt with them and they ask thier mother because natrually she knows what's best for her son

I can see how it might seem insultive but it's not like the women is thought of as an object

oh and I don't think this is a form of arranged marriage because it's the girls decision wether she wants the guy or not and vice versa
arranged marriages are like when your born it's set who you'll marry (or something close to it)

Yeah, but I meant 'arranged' in the sense that the mother is 'arranging' a bride for him. Not forced..

And CR, when you said desperation.. what about guys who do it when they're below 27? :os

well depends what you define desperatoin as I guess
like you graduated, have a good job but your life is empty you want to settel down so natrually you want some to share your life with

Do you find it slightly insultive toward women, 'find me a bride' like 'find me some material for my dishdasha'?

There is nothing wrong when a guy asks his mother finds him a bride. I am not sure why you are even thinking of the idea of "woman is a property which gets sold and bought". I find it kind of insulting what you've tried to relate.

I've known some ladies with this attitude of the 'find me a bride' like 'find me some material for my dishdasha'?. Which they over-generalize on men. I find it un-fair from their side, NO MATTER what men think of this idea. Because when a man acts like an as!hole, that does not mean a woman should do the same.

Don, seriously, think of how the question sounds. Doesn't it sound like something you just go and pick?

"find me a bride" "buy me some new pants"

It sounds like she's going into a MARKET looking for the perfect match for her son.

It is you who is making it sound like this way. Because I know some men whom are serious when they ask their mother's to find them a bride. You can not go generalizing such thing just because you do not like this idea.

The way how you are making it sound is baseless to me and actually more based on your personal experience.

Enigma, enlight me how a man should marry then? Should he go himself to market and maybe choose his woman? Or should he live the "love theory" with another woman for sometime, then when both are sure about each other, then they might take it to official?

Enlight me if you do not mind with what should happen. So I can atleast have the sense of where you comming from.

Enigma, I actually find it sweet!!!
I cant wait for the day when my bros come to me and my mom and asks us to look for brides for him .. dont find it insultive at all!!

You see Enigma, in our culture its not easy to go and meet the girl you would want to marry. Many good girls would refuse to even smile to a guy because they dont want to be labeled as cheap .. it makes meeting the right person difficult. This is why, a guy would consult his mom who would could be a good wife as moms and sisters interact with women more!!

marraige is something all women and men seek .. so its not out of desperation .. its out of wanting to settle down and wanting to start a family of you own .. I personly wouldnt mind this type of marraige .. wether it was for me before getting married .. or for my sisters and bros.

Personal experience? No not really...

And I'm not generalising, I'm just saying it doesn't sound nice! As if women are different brands of cars and the mom has to pick which she thinks is best suitable. I'm not saying ALL the guys have bad intentions but it DOES sound heartless.

Why doesn't he look for himself then? And what happened to waiting for fate to find you a partner?

Enigma, enlight me how a man should marry then? Should he go himself to market and maybe choose his woman? Or should he live the "love theory" with another woman for sometime, then when both are sure about each other, then they might take it to official?

Enlight me if you do not mind with what should happen. So I can atleast have the sense of where you comming from.

Maybe not so much the 'love theory' but like I said above, waiting till God sends you his risq. When you find the right person, you marry them!

What woman wants to say 'Oh I married him coz his mother thought I was the perfect one for him, after he had her comb through the neighborhood's girls'?!

Why doesn't he look for himself then? And what happened to waiting for fate to find you a partner?

dear, that doesnt always happen especially in our culture!! LOVE is not the pre-requiset ingredent for a successful marraige!

Enigma, I actually find it sweet!!!

Arby sometimes you make me want to scream! LOL.

You see Enigma, in our culture its not easy to go and meet the girl you would want to marry. Many good girls would refuse to even smile to a guy because they dont want to be labeled as cheap .. it makes meeting the right person difficult. This is why, a guy would consult his mom who would could be a good wife as moms and sisters interact with women more!!
.

But even our culture is changing. Men and women go to school together, work together, have friends in common... its NOT impossible anymore like it was before. We no longer live in a sex separated society :os

dear, that doesnt always happen especially in our culture!! LOVE is not the pre-requiset ingredent for a successful marraige!

Well it should be!

But anyway, I know not all of us can find a love marriage. But don't you think that maybe we should just leave it to fate? Marry someone who you find compatible at least, maybe not in love with.

I still think asking your mom to do it is just..... lame.

Enigma, you are still missing the point. You are saying "it does not sound nice", which implies that you are saying this based on personal opinion. But I find nothing wrong when someone asking his mother to find him a wife.

Why doesn't he look for himself then?
You need to realize that living in USA is different from living at Afghanistan for instance. In USA, you can easily get to know a lady because they are available everywhere. But if you look at Afghanistan, ladies are not available everywhere.

You need to firstly ask yourself "Which culture are you dealing with" before making such statement. And I am not saying locking girls in the house is wrong, but I am more practical and try to deal with things which are in front of me at such time.

And what happened to waiting for fate to find you a partner?
Can you elaborate on that more?

lool Enigma ..

well I am a traditionalist and think its one of the ways to find a bride .. no problem with that! :)

You need to realize that living in USA is different from living at Afghanistan for instance. In USA, you can easily get to know a lady because they are available everywhere. But if you look at Afghanistan, ladies are not available everywhere.

I live in Oman. The problem doesn't exist in the States and I've no idea what goes on in Afganistan. Its been done before, men and women have found eachother through other ways than asking mommy to pick someone for them.

You need to firstly ask yourself "Which culture are you dealing with" before making such statement.

I've already stated that we no longer live in a sex separated society.

And what happened to waiting for fate to find you a partner?
Can you elaborate on that more?

Basically, you wait till you meet someone who YOU find wonderful enough to marry. YOU meet them. Not send your mom looking for them.

how do you go finding?
go to clubs?
or find one walking on the street and throw her your number?
if it's lame to ask your mother and go do that
then it's better to be lame then to be an idiot

Maybe not so much the 'love theory' but like I said above, waiting till God sends you his risq. When you find the right person, you marry them!

That is another topic now, because we will be going into fate and pre-destination.


What woman wants to say 'Oh I married him coz his mother thought I was the perfect one for him, after he had her comb through the neighborhood's girls'?!

Why are you making it sound like when the mother finds him a woman, they will get married without even seeing each other and end of story? Why not think of it the positive way, that this man might sit with the girl, discuss with her such things, and maybe they might like each other?

I personally would not ask my mother for looking for me a wife, because that is my nature, to find something for myself. BUT, that does not mean I go on saying "That is NOT nice" for asking mothers. I respect whatever, as long as it is not a sin. And there is nothing wrong at all with a man asking his mother to find him a bride from the islamic point view.

how do you go finding?
go to clubs?
or find one walking on the street and throw her your number?
if it's lame to ask your mother and go do that
then it's better to be lame then to be an idiot


Work, school, friends... what about all those? Women are not confinded to irrespectable places nor to their homes anymore.

BUT, that does not mean I go on saying "That is NOT nice" for asking mothers. I respect whatever, as long as it is not a sin. And there is nothing wrong at all with a man asking his mother to find him a bride from the islamic point view.

Don, how would you feel if you were on a list of potentials made by a girl's parent?

Don, how would you feel if you were on a list of potentials made by a girl's parent?

Can you simplify that in plain english? (Did not really get your point)

exactly Enigma, plus how to want girls who are seperated from the male society (they do exist, they dont go to mixed schools, mixed collages and would prefer to work as a teacher to be seperated from males) to get married?

you see, society always finds the best way for a couple to get married .. it might not seem rational but it might be best suited for the society!!

My friend, a sirilankan, got married by a magazine ad.. its not her who placed, its her father and its something normal in thier society according to her!!

what do you mean by fate
again how do you go finiding your partner?
walk and one day bump into her?

our society isn't sex seperated I don't think it ever was but it's more open now thats for sure and well results speak loud it's bad for the country you got people having pre marrigal relatoins, getting pregnant and all that

well as arby said not everyone goes to mixed school's
by asking your mother your just knocking on fate's door

Its been done before, men and women have found eachother through other ways than asking mommy to pick someone for them.

It does not mean that it had been done before than it would be always successful. I have MORE than one case which I personally know, that when such and such got to know each other and when they got it to their family, they rejected it and did not negotiate at all. They all live at Muscat, and their parents are kind of open to other topics (except marriage).

Now, how can you explain such thing? What should the man and woman do? When their parents are TOTALLY against the topic, and they've had alot of discussions, but found out their parents minds as hard as a stone?

Again, you can base your assumption on something just because it was done before.

Can you simplify that in plain english? (Did not really get your point)

Lets say a girl asked her parents to find her a husband (hard to imagine I know but bare with me..).

The father starts thinking about young men he knows that he thinks would be suitable for his beloved daughter.

You're one of them.

So its not HER who's choosing you. Its her father. When you get married its not because SHE wanted you but because daddy thought you were right. Don't we all want to be chosen and loved because we are who we are and we want someone to see that in us without the aid of others?

Keep in mind, women bare the burden of centuries of oppression, discrimination and sexism.

Basically, put yourself in our place. Then judge.

(I have this feeling he's gonna say I would be honored his father thought I was worthy of his daughter..)

Desperation or just another way of moving into a different stage of life?

Why would we consider it desperation? Its a life decision. Something that will change their lifes forever. For sure its one of the ways to approach such delicate matter.

What do you think of guys who think this way and ask that of their mothers?

I would think that the guy, has came to a stage of his life where he rather carries on being a husband and father. A transaction from single hood to married hood.

Do you find it slightly insultive toward women, 'find me a bride' like 'find me some material for my dishdasha'?

Wow... now thats one twisted way to think about it. But its not at all like that in any sense, unless there are some specific minority cases, but generally and overall its never like that.

The will to get married and commit to it. Is a huge responsibility, if the guy was unfortunate to be able to meet someone he can marry, there is no wrong in his family to recommend someone to him; same as he would be recommened to the girls family.

Its not a one way flow of events. Both the guy and girl will be having the choice of choosing who they want to marry. And even if its consider arranged, there will still be the time of familirity and confront between the two. To get to know each other and know, if they are willing to continue their life with this other one.

There are many conditions and aspects involved in this matter. A simple post can barely fill a one ink pen to elaborate about it.

Lets say a girl asked her parents to find her a husband (hard to imagine I know but bare with me..).

Firstly, I see NOTHING wrong why wouldn't a lady ask her dad to search for her a man. Islam never said that it is a sin for a woman to search for a man or even take the first step in marrying a man. It is "culture", so let's not confuse that. Look at Khadija (prophet mohammed SAW wife), she was the one whom asked him to marry her through her slave. That was something normal, and nothing wrong at their time. But I suppose this theory of "woman" should not express her feelings first to a man, or even ask her dad to search for a husband is something new, which might have been created after the Ottman empire (but I could be wrong on the timings).


The father starts thinking about young men he knows that he thinks would be suitable for his beloved daughter.

You're one of them.

So its not HER who's choosing you. Its her father. When you get married its not because SHE wanted you but because daddy thought you were right. Don't we all want to be chosen and loved because we are who we are and we want someone to see that in us without the aid of others?

Keep in mind, women bare the burden of centuries of oppression, discrimination and sexism.

Basically, put yourself in our place. Then judge.

(I have this feeling he's gonna say I would be honored his father thought I was worthy of his daughter..)

Again, you are making it sound like when the dad comes to me, I will marry her blindly. Which is not in my case. Actually, I will be honored if a parent comes to me to like this, AS Long as he allows me to sit with daughter, and try to get to know her. Now, if we got married, then it wasn't because the dad is the one who chose me (though he was the starting point of this), but because me and her came to conclusion that we would suit each other and build a family.

Bare in mind, I do not believe in the "perfect family" theory, and at the same time I do not believe in the "perfect love" theory which should exist before marriage.

DD it was a question! I'm not saying its equal to looking for material! I was just asking if YOU considered it to be insultive. I didn't say that I DID. It was my way of forming a question and perhaps sparking a debate.

Don, I had already forseen your answer lol. But see, I didn't say that marrying her or him would be wrong just because of how its done. Nothing about 'marrying blindly'. Just that, I don't agree with the concept of having your mother find you a bride. I believe in relying on fate :)

But see, I didn't say that marrying her or him would be wrong just because of how its done. Nothing about 'marrying blindly'. Just that, I don't agree with the concept of having your mother find you a bride. I believe in relying on fate :)

Nothing wrong when you do not agree on something for yourself. If you do not like the idea of some man asking his mother to look for some bride, and eventually you were on her list, then you have the full right NOT to accept the offer. But then, it would be un-fair for you to generalize your idea on everyone. At the end of the day, it is not a sin what is happening?

You believe in fate, but the main question now, do you know what is your fate? Simply nope! God never said, believe in the unknown fate, and lock yourself in the house (Now you see, I am trying to generilize this!).

Let me tell you something, if you are into this fate theory, then I recommend you to read the book "Fate and Pre-destination" by Shiekh Sha'rawi. It would clear many things in your mind regarding the topic fate atleast, though it is basic compared to the other books.

What do you think of guys who think this way and ask that of their mothers?

They r either playfull & lost the trust on falling in Love is a way to get married, or they want to marry for the sake of getting marriage!
To me both of them r sick & disgusting :rolleyes:

Do you find it slightly insultive toward women, 'find me a bride' like 'find me some material for my dishdasha'?

Sure this is why I find it disgusting.

i think its ok!! i would prefer to be in a good relationship with my mother-in-law, instead being the target of dislike. when get married its not only about the couple, marriage means 2 families are united. and this one of the way - of course not guaranteed - to do so. and yes it is in a way like asking someone to buy you something from the market, but its the same thing when a guy choose his own bride.

It's to do with culture Enigma. If you meet your hubby at uni, work, through friends, etc then fair enough, you chose him. But other than that, people here do not go out to pubs socialising with the opposite sex and going out on dates, parties and stuff (people do secretly, but that is in no way the majority). We live in a segregated society. It is hard to meet up with many people of the other sex. That's where the 'mama find me a bride' takes place. While poor women have to wait for a bunch of proposals.

Don't blame the guy. This is just how the Arab society works.

I find it kind of sad. Coz parents normally dive into the 'shopping for ideal women list'. Beautiful, educated, religious, smart, well off, etc list. Yes, she is an ideal woman as far as this goes. But could be totally wrong for him and they may not even connect or understand one another.

I've heard from many married couples that there's no magical formula to follow when it comes to marriage. Although I'd rather be hunted down directly :laugh: I'm not averse to being picked out by someone's mum as a potential wife. I don't wanna be in that situation but it's probably very flattering. If the guy and myself get along then great. If not then there's plenty more fish in the sea. Having said that, there's no way I'm gonna be bullied or indirectly pushed to accept marrying someone who looks and sounds great to everyone but myself.

They r either playfull & lost the trust on falling in Love is a way to get married, or they want to marry for the sake of getting marriage!
To me both of them r sick & disgusting

If its not a sin, why shall it be sick El7ilwa!!

Sometimes Love turns out to be a disgusting this :rolleyes:

well based on the example that a father found a guy man if that happens then its good it means the parents already agree
but in the end it's not like your forced to marry that guy/girl
you have a choice

I agree with Arby, and i will go alll :color: When any of my brother's ask us (me and MAMA) to find him a bride.... ( sniff sniff T!)..

There are some male out there that aren't into girl's and would know nothing about who is the "fit" and so they will reffer to their mother and female siblings for advise, help to chose!

as some said, it's just one way to get married and if he/she liked each other after that why Not..

I kept thinking about this, and man i want to be chosed by my mother in-law so that i get the feeling that she likes me thats why she chose me for her son, and if he loved me after that, i think i will be the happiest person. I pray day and night to get loved by his family.

honestly, i would NEVER ask anyone to find me a bride!

butt, sorry but, i think it doesnt really matter how and who finds u a bride, what matters is "to live happily after marriage"---> which is not very often :gap:

so, if ur mom or sis or anyone else finds u someone suitable for u, then why not!

specially a "MUTTAWA3" like me, i dont even stare at girls, so how am i suppose to find one?! :( :help:

help me MOM....

I'm sure you've heard this sentence before, maybe even from a family member of yours. 20-30 years ago people in Oman rarely fell into a love which was followed by a marriage, they had the arranged marriage thing going on. Today some young men still think the same way, or they'll reach a certain age, see they haven't found someone worth sharing their life with, want a family and so they'll go to their moms and ask her to find them a bride.

Desperation or just another way of moving into a different stage of life?

What do you think of guys who think this way and ask that of their mothers?

Do you find it slightly insultive toward women, 'find me a bride' like 'find me some material for my dishdasha'?



well some allow their mothers to choose for them brides. they do this to reduce the tension that their mothers would go through...

specially a "MUTTAWA3" like me


:haha: Yeah, I'm sure!

I am really against this. I mean sure, it has been able to bring a lot of good people together, but I just hate the way it's being done. It's like you go around, and pick out a girl, depending on a certain criteria. I wouldn't want to be on anyone's list for sure!! I find it emabrassing to the girls, and just plain wrong. Why can't the men choose a woman for themselves? Why do they have to go around asking their moms and sisters to search around and choose whomever they think would fit? I can't understand this principle at all.

I personally dont find it instulting at all.. cause our society doesnt allow dating anyways..and basically frowns upon people who go and talk to a certain girl b4 actually proposing to the family. when a guy asks his mother to find him a wife.. most likely he's just doing that cause he wants to get married the right way which is the islamic way. :)

again the question define finding a girl, they obviously know what type of a women they are intrested in (since they give the "criteria")

Dr N not all guys know how to talk to girls, not all have female acquaintances, some are shy and some just would not know what to say. so they are forced to ask their female relations to look for a bride for them. and some of them think that is the best way to marry someone who both him and his family like. at least its better than ask a total stranger to look for bride for them (a.k.a Khataba)!!

I don't find see anything wrong with it!!

What do you think of guys who think this way and ask that of their mothers?

Do you find it slightly insultive toward women, 'find me a bride' like 'find me some material for my dishdasha'?

Well... Well... Well...
Very funny ofcourse it isn't like going to find material for dishdasha women have their Value and we have to respect that...

But seeing the trend of our Old generation who went through mamah to find their Bride, or arranged marriage that has worked well and many families have Survived and lived for long time,

And if you Compare with New generation of Me and You and old Ones, I would choose the Old one of which have worked well, But ours who we have to go through love stories, hide and seek, explore and exposed each other with the so called Love Soap opera look like, that have never gone far, mostly young one their marriage ends up for short period and with full frustrastion,

If my Mamah was alive I would have gone to her and seek her help and choice fed up with materialistic of this New High tech, Ladies of Today :haha: :laugh: :hyper:

If my Mamah was alive I would have gone to her and seek her help and choice fed up with materialistic of this New High tech, Ladies of Today :haha: :laugh: :hyper:


I think if you ever ask your adopted mother (Um-Hamed) would be glad to look one for you

I think if you ever ask your adopted mother (Um-Hamed) would be glad to look one for you

Thanks Aunt HH
I dont know how and why I forgot about that and surely will approach my Mum Um-Sleyum/hamed

Well its not that I find anything wrong with it.. but I just not fond of the idea.. somehow I prefer if the guy sees me first then after that he can ask his mother, sis, cousin or who ever knows me to come and tell me..

Desperation or just another way of moving into a different stage of life? What do you think of guys who think this way and ask that of their mothers?
Most definitely desperation, from my point of view. What sort of a man is someone if he can't even choose his own wife, but has his mother do it for him? Come on, by the time a man wants to get married, he is way past the age of "mummy, you choose, since you know best". I'm not against the idea of a man asking for his mother's advice, but he should be responsible and mature enough to know what he wants in a wife, find the woman and approach her himself. In my opinion, it is extremely cowardly for a man to ask his mother to go "wife-shopping" for him.

Do you find it slightly insultive toward women, 'find me a bride' like 'find me some material for my dishdasha'?
A little.

how can he not choose his own wife?
he knows what he wants in a wife it's just finding the girl it's not like mummy you choose my wife for me
it's more like momy do you know about a girl with such and such qualities and she goes there's x y z and then your like oh ok what can you tell me about x y and z and she tells him and they talk to the one who he chooses if she accepts the mabrook if not go thorough the process again or maye find a girl on your own


and sometimes it's like BR said the guy see's a girl and asks about her but then sometimes it back fires and people start spreading rumors

again how would you like to find your husband? him throwing or giving his phone number to you? or you guys went to the same school (but not all go to mixed schools) or work in the same place?

you need to consider how the society is
arranged marriage is when your born it's wrriten on your head you'll marry this girl wether you like it or not it's not arranged both male and female have the right to accept or decline

Its a bit hard in traditional society these days to go out and find yourself a bride. Most young men and women in this country generally dont mix (outside the workplace, I suppose), and so you cant go out and get to know someone like that. I think its a system that works for more traditional families. After all, its basically match making. There is a western equivalent: it does happen in western societies, both for marriage and for dating. Like, your friend sets you up with someone for a date. If you hit it off, you hit it off. If not, you move on. Its similar.

again how would you like to find your husband? him throwing or giving his phone number to you?


LOL I found this hilarious :D It would be funny to get married that way, wouldnt it? Hold your wedding in City Center :kewl: