Careful what you ask for...

There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done."

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."

And he became a woman.

:haha:

Why are Wedding Dresses White?

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion.

"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

Giving Directions

HER DIRECTIONS:

80....(SF)....just after the weight station near Cordelia (I think) will be an exit for 14...Sonoma and Napa.... take it.....follow it all the way thru.....till you end up in Fairfield...there is a signal next to...a Beer joint I think it is....i don't know...but you merge to the right which turns into a lil 2 lane freeway dealy....go thru the signal...go over the bridge thing....then when you get to the next signal...make a left to go to Death Valley....you'll be on Carneros Hwy....then you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light....turn right....the road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right...VEER RIGHT.

Stay on this road till you see a buncha power stuff...ya know, those big metal thingamajigs....there will be a stop sign...you can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln ...well...turn right....follow that to the end....its kinda a long way....you will hit old Bluewood Hwy....turn right on old Bluewood.....follow it down...past the 8 Ball (a bar that will show up on the right)...

HIS DIRECTIONS:

80 West
Exit 14
Exit 121 (Left at Light)
Exit 116 (Veer right)
RT Lincoln Road
RT Old Bluewood
RT Myrtle
RT Lancaster
RT Lassen St

The Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop A few days later, he received this report:

Most Honorable Sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No Fee.

Witness

The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Johnny Shea was called for his question session.

"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

The Supermarket

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Who's In Control ?

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

Me, Afraid of Satan ?

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

loooooooooooooooooooooool....:D :D ......Funnyy.....thanks for sharing!

Thanks Psycho! I'm glad SOMEONE is enjoying them.


Women One-Liners

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

The good girls keep the diaries the bad girls never have the time.

I always thought that if I were popular, I must be doing something wrong.

Unfortunately, sometimes people don't hear you until you scream.

The idea of strictly minding our own business is moldy rubbish. Who could be so selfish?

When a man gets up to speak, people listen, the look. When a woman gets up people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was. Not better, necessarily; but different.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.(Gloria Steinem)

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

Personally, I think if a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she's 24, she may be lucky.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.