HOW TO MESS WITH THE IRS!

--Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

--Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

--Line the bottom of your envelope with glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

--If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.

--On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount; he has to take it to a special desk and fill out a few nasty forms.

--Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

--Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a paper sack.

--If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

--Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

--Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.

--When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

NOTE: These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the tax man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money!

While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a
private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never
do that again!" the drill instructor whispered.

But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time.
Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in
and barked for Jones to come front and center.

"Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed.
"You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Yes, SIR!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!
You better hide quickly. I can hear her truck approaching,
SIR!"

===========================================

A lady had just finished taking a CPR course, and was on
the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the
shopping center, she saw a man lying on the road with a
lot of people around him.

Screaming, "I know CPR!", she ran to the person, threw
her bag down, loosened all tight clothing and got ready to
turn him around and start mouth-to-mouth.

At this stage, a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder
and said: "Ma'am, I'm sure Ole appreciates your attention,
but I am paying him by the quarter hour to try and fish my
keys out of the storm sewer."

Here is an old classic, returned by Collette:
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I
married him in the first place.

"I was just stupid," I teased.

When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an
explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love,"
he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

===========================================



:D

The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a romeo, and
was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It
contained a girl's name and address, and asked the
recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought
to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman
so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a
photo.Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read,

"Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of
guy would buy such a goofy shirt."


Bill's daughter was out in the back yard playing and digging
in the dirt. When she came in I asked her if she had been
eating dirt since her face was all dirty.

She immediately became indignant and replied " NO! "
Then replied quite matter of factly " I ate some grass! "
:D


A small boy walked into a police station one day and said,
I've got three big brothers and we all live in the same room.
My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three
dogs and the third has a goat. I want you to do something
about the smell.“

Are the any windows in your room? “ asked the officer.
Yes, of course there are! “ said the boy.

Have you tried opening them? “

I can't...all my pigeons would escape. “

A wise schoolteacher sent this note to all parents:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says
happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything
he says happens at home.

:D
:this another 1

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone" they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me.
I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"

"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able
to sell.If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed
them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for
$50,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman,
I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company
requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go
back and get urine samples."

Morris was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to
close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets,
one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches
in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine,
and sets them on the desk and says "Here's Mr.Brown's
and this one is Mr.Smith's."

"Thats good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having
a state teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them
a group policy!"

A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly skeptical. "What's the gimmick?" he inquired.

"No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance.

"Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "what would you get?"

The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps...

He whispers...

"Iron this, and get me something to eat."

Originally posted by Charmed
A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly skeptical. "What's the gimmick?" he inquired.

"No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."

now thats smart thinking..:p

Why did the chicken cross the road?

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information The chicken did not
cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a
chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not
yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not
been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

TRICIA
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening
to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of
how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to
accomplish its dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -
in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file
your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet
explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken
THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there
was rejoicing.

HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n

Arial Sharon, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer:
"You will die on an Arab holiday."
"Which one?'" Sharon asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Arab holiday."


__________________

Back ten centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Muslims had to leave Jerusalem. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Muslim community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Muslim community. If the Muslim won the debate, all the Muslims could stay. If the Pope won, all the Muslims would have to leave.
The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah who unknowingly agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He agreed only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but communicate by miming. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mullah looked back at him and raised his middle finger..

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Mullah Nasruddin pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Mullah pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims can stay.'

An hour later, the cardials were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and stamping on it, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple, reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the Mullah in total astonishmen. "What happened?" they asked. "Well,"said the Mullah, "First he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims. I said none of us leaving this land!"

"And then?' asked a woman."

"He took out his lunch and I took out mine," said the Mullah.

;)

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
:)

Hodgee comes to the United States from India. He's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor. The doctor says,

"Take dis bucket, go into de other room, **** in de bucket, piss on de ****, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, ****s in the bucket, pisses on the ****, bends over, and breathes in thefumes for ten minutes.

Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?" The doctor says, "You were homesick."

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them! Heck, you can send it back empty if you want to just to keep 'em guessing!

Let's turn this into a chain letter! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their crap back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all... THEY'RE paying for it! Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again!

A man went to an underwear company for a job interview

The manager says, "If you can answer these 3 questions right, the job is
yours!

We pack our underwear in 7- packs, 5 packs and 12 packs. Why?"

The man thinks for a moment and replies,

The 7- packs are for Indian men, one for each day of the week.

The 5- packs are for American men, one each from Monday to Friday, and they
don't wear underwear on weekends.

The 12- packs are for Pakistani men, one each for January, February,...

Do I need to tell u that

He got the job...............

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck. "Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going now ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"